I met the Mikes (a gay couple I know, both of whom are named ‘Mike’) for dinner the other day at a local Japanese restaurant, and they announced to me that they were getting married. So excited for them, I gushed and oohed and ahhhhed and applauded them for finally taking the plunge after about 7-8 years of being together.
Then the topic of kids came up. The Mikes’ would be phenomenal parents. Amazing. Both of them possess qualities that are both representative of the traditional nuclear family. One Mike is extremely sensitive and sweet. The other is extremely hard handed and matter of fact. They both compliment each other wonderfully – and it would be so wonderful if our kids played together.
So – I asked them about the possibility of adoption. There was a lot of, “well – we’re not having kids now… we just want to enjoy each other… blah blah blah…. Buuuttt… we have thought about adoption.” Not really thinking about it – I asked, “have you thought of surrogacy.” Yes they have. They said it would solve some issues of having the adoptive kid that would eventually pine for their birth parents, despite feeling complete love for the Mikes. By having a surrogacy, they can at least guarantee a legacy, and have ½ of a whole pie of biological information about the baby. They both wanted two kids, so one from each would be ideal. It seemed the perfect fit.
Then one Mike said, “it is so cost prohibitive though. Getting one egg costs about $10,000.” That’s ten grand for one egg!?!? Don’t you need to have a whole bunch of backup eggs? So – I took a moment, and then offered, “I can give you some eggs.” Quickly, the Mike’s were gracious. Oh no – it’s okay – it’s a huge commitment, we’re not even sure we want to have kids now… etc… I reiterated, “Well, I suppose you should harvest them while I’m young, so you have some young eggs, rather than some old eggs.” The conversation fell away, and then we moved on talking about other things.
I went home and didn’t think about it much, and I’m not really sure what prompted me to think about it again – or to bring it up for that matter – with McSquared. We were lazily lying on the couch watching TV, and I said, “so – if I wanted to donate my eggs, would you have a problem with that?” He slowly turned to me and said, “you cannot donate your eggs.” I explained it would be to the Mikes, and it would be for good people. He said again, “no.” At this point, with no explanation, I got a little heated under the collar. Who are you to tell me what to do with my body? He answered with a resounding, “those are MY eggs.” I did a double take. “Excuse me?!?!? Your eggs? How are they your eggs?”
Apparently, for you women who might not be in the know – if you marry a man, your physical body is no longer your own. They are now the full possession of your husband’s. If you wish to do anything drastic to it, “big picture” things – that may have no effect on your husband, you must still, ask for permission.
What the…..
It’s been a few days since I wrote that – and I still don’t get it.
It’s been a few days since I revisited, and I STILL don’t get it. Don’t I have a right to use my own body for whatever purposes I want to – if it doesn’t involve him? I’m not going to have sex to consummate. I’m just going to donate eggs. I don’t think I’m damaging my body. I know there are a lot of risks – but – I think I can weather through those…
It’s was the same when I told him that I wanted to donate my organs to save lives. Not for R&D, but to save lives imminently. If I’m able to – why not? But – being a strict Christian, he needs the body to be intact, un-mutilated. Which also means I can’t get cremated either… which is how I wanna go. I don’t want my body rotting in the ground. When baby Jesus comes back, won’t he just give us new bodies? So, if you’re horrifically scarred from something terrible, does that mean that you will have the same body that you died with – and not a newly generated beautiful version of what you once were?
But- that’s an entirely different blog.
Alls I’m wondering is, do I have to respect my husband’s wishes, even if I think they’re dumb?
