What makes a relationship snap crackle and pop, and what makes a relationship fizzle.
I have a friend, lets name him Poe, who has been with his wife for 30 plus years. Here's the rub. He has no relationship with her. They still live in the same house. They still share finances, have two beautiful children, but they are nothing more than roommates who rely on each other financially. When pressed why they didn't just get divorced, he simply said, "It would be too big of a headache to separate our finances."
Hm. What happened to the snap crackle and pop that held them together?
Today- I asked him - whatever happened? Y'see - I'd like to know - whatever happened that led a once loving couple to become no more than the relational dead? He said - nothing. That was the problem - nothing happened. Then he said - it was 15 years, and it fizzled. And the second child didn't help either...
Dismayed, I began to think... When does doing nothing create a big something that kills the "it" between two people? My sister said it was "lust." Lust keeps the "it" in a relationship... it took me no more than 5 seconds to disagree with her. I don't think 'lust' is the 'it' that keeps a relationship from fizzling... I have a healthy dose of lust in my life - I'll tell you... but I don't think that's what keeps a relationship going...
Don't get me wrong... I think there needs to be a healthy dose of chemistry. But - you got that the moment you guys saw each other. Why 15 years later did the healthy dose of chemistry die? I don't know about you - but the guy I'm with now was wayyy hotter when I first met him... he knows it - I know it - we both know it (and so was i) - but I find him wayyy hotter now, rather than when we first were together....
So -what could it be?
I don't have an answer to this - not really... I have suggestions as to what you can do to NOT get to that point, but - I really don't have the answer as to why people fall out of "it" with each other....
My suggestions, however, to what you might want to think about doing in case you actually think the "it" is seeping out. (which I reiterate, is NOT coming from an expert... Just my own life experiences... My relationship has hit rocky roads as well...) is:
1. Don't ignore it. If you got the hairs on that tiny little neck of yours sticking up - because you are beginning to lose "it" for your other - don't ignore it. Tune into it - and really address it with yourself. For a lot of people, I find that by the time they actually choose to see it- its already lost, and it is that much harder to reclaim it.
2. Don't run or push away. We are flight or fight people. We either run from our messes, or we push people away in an attempt to be absolutely safe. But this is not the time to push or run... This is the time to address it. Two unhappy people not working towards coming back together will only find themselves growing further apart...
3. Talk about it and be vulnerable. Complaint is about the past. Something that happened.. You can only complain about something that has effected you before, and now - to avoid its future occurrence -you complain to make sure what has happened won't happen again. Even if a complaint is on your tongue, don't say it. There is a time and a place to address complaints, and your grudges, and your anger. The most important thing is to address the issue of whether you guys are losing the "it" for each other, and whether the two of you want to keep the "it" alive. A discussion like that really involves vulnerability - and not grandstanding... This is probably one of the hardest things that a person can ask of themselves.. We grow our entire lives building protections for ourselves... Allowing a person to come into our lives, especially the person who is the one who could potentially hurt us the most, is an incredibly daunting task.
4. Make a plan to make sure the 'it" is still there. Tell your relationship a true and honest representation of what it is you need from them. Be specific, be precise. I need more affection, I need more time, I need more space - are almost always interpreted differently by different people, no matter how well you know each other... Be very specific, so that there is NO mistake. THIS is what you need and want. And be realistic. If you are just setting the person up to fail, taking into consideration the task and the personality of the person you're asking it for, then forget it. Don't even bother. You're not being realistic with yourself, and more importantly, you're not giving the relationship a chance. And finally, the most important part, accept it when the person gives it to you -and appreciate it for all it is worth.
5. And finally, if it is lost, then move on. Sure, it might be easier to stay together, but the truth is, if you're honest with yourself, and if it really is lost, there is hope for you to be with someone else who might have gone through the same thing, and there is the potential that you might be able to be with someone else...
Once again, I'm no expert, and I certainly don't have a degree... and perhaps I'm a hopeless romantic, but - I do believe in love - and I do believe that it should be kept alive, and I believe that if it is really to be lost, then we can seek and find another.
Or at least die in the attempt.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Condescension Session.. what's your tension? (To the music of Conjunction Junction)
I know the syllables do not match, but work with me here... (AND - its late - so if this isn't written well - I apologize...)
Okay - so - I was at a bar tonight, having a grand 'ol time with friends, at a place that I absolutely love, with one of the best bartenders in town, serving me one of the best made tequila gimlets ever...
And then in walks Dr. Condescension. An older gentleman. I'd say - about 9 million years old. Rich enough. But he was there alone. I'll leave that up to you to decide what that might have meant. He was nice enough, a little in your face, but nice enough. And then the topic of Michael Jackson came up.
Okay. No matter what your opinion of Michael Jackson is, like him or not, crazy or not, pedophile or not, he was a one of a kind performer. There has never been a performer like him before.
So, Dr. Condescension (too long to type - I'll call him Dr. Con) got all hot and heavy about Michael Jackson. Clearly he didn't like Michael Jackson. That's fine. But my friend Cheeza argued that in her lifetime, he was what she considered-the best performer. Dr. Con was beyond himself in saying that she was crazy and that there were other performers that were much better performers than Michael Jackson.
When pressed to name a few, he couldn't come up with any performers during our lifetime (anywhere within the last 30-40 years).
But what got me - I mean - what really got me - was the tone he took in addressing us. Phrases such as - don't make me embarrass you, or - I was around when MTV first came on the air (to which I rebutted - yeah -but did you watch it (I wanted to add - you old geezer... how old were you in the 80's - 8 million years old?!) which would have made me no better than him - sooo I didn't!). He was so condescending - I was disgusted.. He just kept saying phrases to make us feel bad, not to bolster his own argument. He would say things like, "Well - you're a revisionary of history" (because we did not agree that Michael Jackson actually grabbed his nutsack, but he simply placed his hand over his genital area while pumping his hips back and forth) just to make us feel terrible about ourselves, because we didn't agree with his opinion.
I just wanted to end the discussion. In fact, I think I said - I think we need to end this conversaion and agree to disagree..... and he couldn't handle that, and just kept on going.
Here's the thing. The point is not to rip Dr. Con a new one (because at his age, you might not even have to rip - a soft touch may simply rip it off...) but - why be condescending?!
So - in case you're not sure how to handle a situation where you have differing opinions with either a friend or a stranger - here are some helpful tips (I caveat all that with saying that I have no social working or psychiatric degree, don't plan on getting one and do not intend anyone to take these tips as anything more than sage advice from a really really really smart chinese girl with parents from Chiner.)
The most important thing is to figure out what you wanna do in the discussion.
Do you want the other person to understand your point? Discuss your point, openly allowing the other person to discuss their point. You can have differing opinions and still be able to discuss them.. and if they still don't understand your point, slap them and simply walk out. (okay - not really - but wouldn't that be funny?)
Do you want the other person to agree with you? Well then - you gotta work a little harder for this one... Put all your best arguments together, and present them with gusto. But heck, if that person doesn't agree with you - you gotta be prepared for the let down - and let it go. Or - you can slap them and simply walk out. (you may be a bit more incensed, so - this might actually be quite tempting.)
Do you wanna be right? Well then - be prepared to be slapped and have the recipient simply walk out on you.
I mean - isn't this a little bit of common sense. No one wants to be told they are wrong to have the opinion they have (which confuses me - because how can an opinion be wrong - but okay - wutev), But on top of that - to be told such phrases that have the equivalent weight of being told that your mom is a ho - you should be aware that you are going to lose a potential friend or relationship. Generally speaking, people who want to be right - will use any method to win. In fact, these types of people are best known for putting others down for feeling the things they feel because they want to win a point. So - this group is most likely to use any of the above-mentioned Dr. Con statements.
So - to these people inflicted with Dr. Con syndrome - I implore you. SHUT UP!!
But I'm gonna feng shui my bed to maximize efficient evil spell throwing at Dr. Con for messing up my night, and then go peacefully to bed.
Okay - so - I was at a bar tonight, having a grand 'ol time with friends, at a place that I absolutely love, with one of the best bartenders in town, serving me one of the best made tequila gimlets ever...
And then in walks Dr. Condescension. An older gentleman. I'd say - about 9 million years old. Rich enough. But he was there alone. I'll leave that up to you to decide what that might have meant. He was nice enough, a little in your face, but nice enough. And then the topic of Michael Jackson came up.
Okay. No matter what your opinion of Michael Jackson is, like him or not, crazy or not, pedophile or not, he was a one of a kind performer. There has never been a performer like him before.
So, Dr. Condescension (too long to type - I'll call him Dr. Con) got all hot and heavy about Michael Jackson. Clearly he didn't like Michael Jackson. That's fine. But my friend Cheeza argued that in her lifetime, he was what she considered-the best performer. Dr. Con was beyond himself in saying that she was crazy and that there were other performers that were much better performers than Michael Jackson.
When pressed to name a few, he couldn't come up with any performers during our lifetime (anywhere within the last 30-40 years).
But what got me - I mean - what really got me - was the tone he took in addressing us. Phrases such as - don't make me embarrass you, or - I was around when MTV first came on the air (to which I rebutted - yeah -but did you watch it (I wanted to add - you old geezer... how old were you in the 80's - 8 million years old?!) which would have made me no better than him - sooo I didn't!). He was so condescending - I was disgusted.. He just kept saying phrases to make us feel bad, not to bolster his own argument. He would say things like, "Well - you're a revisionary of history" (because we did not agree that Michael Jackson actually grabbed his nutsack, but he simply placed his hand over his genital area while pumping his hips back and forth) just to make us feel terrible about ourselves, because we didn't agree with his opinion.
I just wanted to end the discussion. In fact, I think I said - I think we need to end this conversaion and agree to disagree..... and he couldn't handle that, and just kept on going.
Here's the thing. The point is not to rip Dr. Con a new one (because at his age, you might not even have to rip - a soft touch may simply rip it off...) but - why be condescending?!
So - in case you're not sure how to handle a situation where you have differing opinions with either a friend or a stranger - here are some helpful tips (I caveat all that with saying that I have no social working or psychiatric degree, don't plan on getting one and do not intend anyone to take these tips as anything more than sage advice from a really really really smart chinese girl with parents from Chiner.)
The most important thing is to figure out what you wanna do in the discussion.
Do you want the other person to understand your point? Discuss your point, openly allowing the other person to discuss their point. You can have differing opinions and still be able to discuss them.. and if they still don't understand your point, slap them and simply walk out. (okay - not really - but wouldn't that be funny?)
Do you want the other person to agree with you? Well then - you gotta work a little harder for this one... Put all your best arguments together, and present them with gusto. But heck, if that person doesn't agree with you - you gotta be prepared for the let down - and let it go. Or - you can slap them and simply walk out. (you may be a bit more incensed, so - this might actually be quite tempting.)
Do you wanna be right? Well then - be prepared to be slapped and have the recipient simply walk out on you.
I mean - isn't this a little bit of common sense. No one wants to be told they are wrong to have the opinion they have (which confuses me - because how can an opinion be wrong - but okay - wutev), But on top of that - to be told such phrases that have the equivalent weight of being told that your mom is a ho - you should be aware that you are going to lose a potential friend or relationship. Generally speaking, people who want to be right - will use any method to win. In fact, these types of people are best known for putting others down for feeling the things they feel because they want to win a point. So - this group is most likely to use any of the above-mentioned Dr. Con statements.
So - to these people inflicted with Dr. Con syndrome - I implore you. SHUT UP!!
I suppose the moral of the story is - be yourself, and if you are one of those condescending people -loosen up - and realize - no one's arguing with you - because no one wants to talk to you if you keep it up!
Sorry to be such a downer, but he totally destroyed my evening...But I'm gonna feng shui my bed to maximize efficient evil spell throwing at Dr. Con for messing up my night, and then go peacefully to bed.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Sappy McSapperson Movies...
I'm a sucker. A big fat sucker for sucker sappy mcsapperson romantic girlie chick flicks....
To me - these movies are like the warm blanket you put over yourself on a cold rainy day... Like a cup of hot chocolate after playing out in the snow... Like a big hug from strong arms when you're feeling weak.
THAT is the problem.
These movies are the exact opposite of a warm blanket or a cup of hot chocolate or a big hug. They are the un-warm blanket, un-hot chocolate and unhug..
And yet - women like me - all over the world are hook line and sinker for these kinds of movies. WOMEN.. intelligent, attractive, articulate, beautiful, well read (not that I am any of these things - but I'm trying to emphasize generally - not-easy-to-sucker women) fall for this..
What happens to us when the movie starts, and the lights are down low, and the leading man comes on - so vulnerable - so willing to love - so HOT (usually - very gorgeous...)...
But its the idea.. The idea that the man in that movie can be real... That you can go to the bar that you frequent, and the next guy that leans his gyrating (sp?!) buttocks against you is potentially the sexy, sweet, brooding, dark, manly, the perfect combination of rock hard muscle and tender sweetness and vulnerability man you've been waiting your whole life for - and that watching a bajillion romantic chick flick movies has entitled you to...
Hogwash..
Let us examine, with good girlfriend glasses - 10 romantic chick flicks, and how many of those men - really - after the movie is over - are men who we'd advise our girlfriends to stick with..
Okay - these may not be THE top 10 romantic chick flicks in the entire world - but they drill in a very important point. What happens to us in a movie theater where all good girlfriend suggestions fly out the door and we end up going, "Sigh - I wish I was with a man like him." Because, the reality is - if a guy like him REALLY walked into the door - we'd poo poo him immediately, and then bemoan the fact that we didn't have men from such romantic chick flick movies in our lives...
But - the tragedy - and my ultimate point (finally) in this blog is - it also prevents us women from meeting wonderful men with flaws, or appreciating the wonderful men in our lives, with flaws.. We all have flaws, just like the men in the movies, but men, with their flaws, can be just as amazing as the men in those chick flick movies, without the trumped up music and or zoom in camera angle... as long as WE become those things for them... (meaning, view them in that light with that certain sense of "wee").
Hopefully, these romantic chick flick movies don't ruin us and make us expect more than even what the movie itself is representing.
And as a dear friend, we'll call her Cheeza, says, "Really, you're going to base your entire life's outlook on a movie? THAT'S a good plan."
She's a smart ass sometimes, but I love her, and boy - does she have a point.
To me - these movies are like the warm blanket you put over yourself on a cold rainy day... Like a cup of hot chocolate after playing out in the snow... Like a big hug from strong arms when you're feeling weak.
THAT is the problem.
These movies are the exact opposite of a warm blanket or a cup of hot chocolate or a big hug. They are the un-warm blanket, un-hot chocolate and unhug..
And yet - women like me - all over the world are hook line and sinker for these kinds of movies. WOMEN.. intelligent, attractive, articulate, beautiful, well read (not that I am any of these things - but I'm trying to emphasize generally - not-easy-to-sucker women) fall for this..
What happens to us when the movie starts, and the lights are down low, and the leading man comes on - so vulnerable - so willing to love - so HOT (usually - very gorgeous...)...
But its the idea.. The idea that the man in that movie can be real... That you can go to the bar that you frequent, and the next guy that leans his gyrating (sp?!) buttocks against you is potentially the sexy, sweet, brooding, dark, manly, the perfect combination of rock hard muscle and tender sweetness and vulnerability man you've been waiting your whole life for - and that watching a bajillion romantic chick flick movies has entitled you to...
Hogwash..
Let us examine, with good girlfriend glasses - 10 romantic chick flicks, and how many of those men - really - after the movie is over - are men who we'd advise our girlfriends to stick with..
- Dirty Dancing - But really (key phrase in my life I can't live without)?! The guy works at a vacation spot in the Northeast somewhere teaching dance lessons!?
- Titanic - The guy didn't have a solid job - and didn't have the potential of a solid job, gambled and barely any education.
- Pretty Woman - A bajillionaire who went to find a hooker when times were hard... and then - told all her deepest and darkest secrets to his friends when pushed.. Talk about push-over.
- Nottinghill - Was he a book keeper? I don't even remember - that is how memorable he was...
- Grease - Wasn't the guy a gangsta thug?
- Legends of the Fall - A nomadic brother who couldn't sit still - didn't have a job - and was a womanizer.
- How to lose a guy in 10 days - He only got together with her for a story to forward his career.. It just was his luck that he fell in love with her. But when things aren't so hot and heavy - is he going to choose his career again?
- Just like Heaven - Didn't his wife JUST die?
- Sleepless in Seattle - He's an unfit dad who was so involved with his own life that he barely kept up with his son's needs and wants. What if he has a kid with you?
- Working Girl - Wasn't he technically cheating on his girlfriend when he met Melanie Griffith?
Okay - these may not be THE top 10 romantic chick flicks in the entire world - but they drill in a very important point. What happens to us in a movie theater where all good girlfriend suggestions fly out the door and we end up going, "Sigh - I wish I was with a man like him." Because, the reality is - if a guy like him REALLY walked into the door - we'd poo poo him immediately, and then bemoan the fact that we didn't have men from such romantic chick flick movies in our lives...
But - the tragedy - and my ultimate point (finally) in this blog is - it also prevents us women from meeting wonderful men with flaws, or appreciating the wonderful men in our lives, with flaws.. We all have flaws, just like the men in the movies, but men, with their flaws, can be just as amazing as the men in those chick flick movies, without the trumped up music and or zoom in camera angle... as long as WE become those things for them... (meaning, view them in that light with that certain sense of "wee").
Hopefully, these romantic chick flick movies don't ruin us and make us expect more than even what the movie itself is representing.
And as a dear friend, we'll call her Cheeza, says, "Really, you're going to base your entire life's outlook on a movie? THAT'S a good plan."
She's a smart ass sometimes, but I love her, and boy - does she have a point.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The History of Blog - through my eyes....
I am welcoming myself to the world of blogging.. Self - welcome to blogging. Blogging has been around for a while, so why now - just now - you ask - did I decide to introduce myself to blogging?
I suppose its because I just started to read a blogger - a pretty down to earth - not all about my life - blogger.. and I thought - y'know - I can DO this...
And being the cautious, premeditated, thoughtful, methodical person I am, the very next week I started reading this other blogger, I jumped... both feet in...
The History of Blog - through my own very very very nearsighted eyes - began when a friend of mine, we'll call him "Fisher" emailed me to read his blog on Xanga (sorry blogspot...).. so - I obliged..
I read pretty dutifully for a couple of weeks - being let into aspects of Fisher's life I wasn't really sure I wanted to be involved in -when it dawned on me. This is like a journal on the internet for people to read... Well - who wants to open themselves up to the entire world and share their thoughts (apparently me) but more importantly - who wants to read it? (apparently me- because I was pretty loyal to Fisher - even though - I have to admit, I skimmed mostly).
Once I decided I was on the verge of invading the very public private life of Fisher, I decided to not read his blog so dutifully - and left the world of blog-dom for a while. That was in 2000. It is now 2009, where the new fad is Twitter, and I feel - oddly enough - safe to start blogging, and reading other people's blogs. There are still the fair share of "this is my life, or my dog's life, or my kid's life, etc.. " out there.. But now - blogs have evolved, to open discussions, or places where the seeds of conversation are planted, and I like that idea....
Of course, I like it better when you inject it with a healthy dose of dyang...
I am dyang. A friend of mine in HS wrote that in my yearbook... You gotta get over the case of [insert friend's name] that you got... So - I added that phrase into my "key phrases I cannot live without" - and frankly - I cannot -seriously live without it now...
[On a side note, I recently facebooked my friend Fisher, and saw the above-mentioned HS friend in a pic, and I commented to him - and have hear nothing - so I am now officially over my case of [insert HS friend's name] that I allegedly had... ]
I used to think that bloggers were these special people who could write like Hemingway, with impeccable grammar, and wonderful prose... Thank freakin goodness it isn't like that anymore, otherwise, I would have no business blogging... I am neither good in grammar (I suck at it) nor spelling, (if you see a word followed by (sp?!) -its a desperate attempt for me to get my brain to work - and I'm yelling - through the computer - to my brain - to LEARN TO SPELL!!!
The only thing I got going for me is a couple of idears (you'll see the Brooklyn accent in me spill over to the spelling of my words. Just to avoid the confusion now -I pronounce China - Chiner -which I'll refer to frequently - cause I'm chinese...) and a good sense of humor (which I would never say about myself - but everyone I've ever met, or ever intend to meet, or ever will meet has said this about me...)
So - if you're looking to find out more about my personal life, people I refer to will be 'coded' if you will - and I will most likely inject things in my life that are happening, but I don't intend this to be a journal - necessarily.. Just random thoughts - of an Asian American chicka - with a nuclear (growing) family - with things to say - and now -thank you blogspot - a forum to do it in....
I suppose its because I just started to read a blogger - a pretty down to earth - not all about my life - blogger.. and I thought - y'know - I can DO this...
And being the cautious, premeditated, thoughtful, methodical person I am, the very next week I started reading this other blogger, I jumped... both feet in...
The History of Blog - through my own very very very nearsighted eyes - began when a friend of mine, we'll call him "Fisher" emailed me to read his blog on Xanga (sorry blogspot...).. so - I obliged..
I read pretty dutifully for a couple of weeks - being let into aspects of Fisher's life I wasn't really sure I wanted to be involved in -when it dawned on me. This is like a journal on the internet for people to read... Well - who wants to open themselves up to the entire world and share their thoughts (apparently me) but more importantly - who wants to read it? (apparently me- because I was pretty loyal to Fisher - even though - I have to admit, I skimmed mostly).
Once I decided I was on the verge of invading the very public private life of Fisher, I decided to not read his blog so dutifully - and left the world of blog-dom for a while. That was in 2000. It is now 2009, where the new fad is Twitter, and I feel - oddly enough - safe to start blogging, and reading other people's blogs. There are still the fair share of "this is my life, or my dog's life, or my kid's life, etc.. " out there.. But now - blogs have evolved, to open discussions, or places where the seeds of conversation are planted, and I like that idea....
Of course, I like it better when you inject it with a healthy dose of dyang...
I am dyang. A friend of mine in HS wrote that in my yearbook... You gotta get over the case of [insert friend's name] that you got... So - I added that phrase into my "key phrases I cannot live without" - and frankly - I cannot -seriously live without it now...
[On a side note, I recently facebooked my friend Fisher, and saw the above-mentioned HS friend in a pic, and I commented to him - and have hear nothing - so I am now officially over my case of [insert HS friend's name] that I allegedly had... ]
I used to think that bloggers were these special people who could write like Hemingway, with impeccable grammar, and wonderful prose... Thank freakin goodness it isn't like that anymore, otherwise, I would have no business blogging... I am neither good in grammar (I suck at it) nor spelling, (if you see a word followed by (sp?!) -its a desperate attempt for me to get my brain to work - and I'm yelling - through the computer - to my brain - to LEARN TO SPELL!!!
The only thing I got going for me is a couple of idears (you'll see the Brooklyn accent in me spill over to the spelling of my words. Just to avoid the confusion now -I pronounce China - Chiner -which I'll refer to frequently - cause I'm chinese...) and a good sense of humor (which I would never say about myself - but everyone I've ever met, or ever intend to meet, or ever will meet has said this about me...)
So - if you're looking to find out more about my personal life, people I refer to will be 'coded' if you will - and I will most likely inject things in my life that are happening, but I don't intend this to be a journal - necessarily.. Just random thoughts - of an Asian American chicka - with a nuclear (growing) family - with things to say - and now -thank you blogspot - a forum to do it in....
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