Online dating has really evolved since it first presented itself oh so many years ago. When online dating first came on, it was for people who were too insecure to see someone face to face to have a relationship, or for those predators you see on Dateline's "To catch a predator" types.
But today, it is so commonplace. It is the subject of movies, of blogs, of weddings, etc... (I know two people who married from online matches, and a lot more who are currently dating...)...
To a certain extent, society still holds that stigma. I noticed that people are shy to acknowledge, right off the bat, that they met their significant other on match.com, or cupid.com or some other such online matching website... but 3 out of 5 of my friends have been on one of these sights to find a relationship.
There have been a number of duds, even amongst my friends. I think my favorite was when a friend of mine went on her first meet after a couple of weeks of online talking, only to be told, "I just want to be up front that I would absolutely be alright if this was a completely sexual relationship." My friend pretended not to understand, scarfed down her food, and got out as quick as she could.
But let's compare all of this online dating to the blind date. How is online dating not up to par as compared to blind dating. Most of the time, a blind date comes from someone you know. Now - sometimes, you know this person very well, and other times you barely know the person, but you kind of like them, and you're thinking - well - they're kind of cool- and birds of a feather... whereas online dating, you depend on the answers answered by the other person, and a computer matches the amount of things that match, and boom. Match. (at least that's what I heard...)
But think about it - how often do we tell our friends what we're looking for in a relationship - that isn't purely superficial? And what of co-workers, parents, and office mates? They have no more divine insight to what is good for you in a relationship than whether or not they know what kind of cream cheese you want on your bagel. Its hard to really convey what you want in a guy... So -you stick to the superficial, and believe you me, handsome means so may different things to so many different people.
As opposed to online dating. Most of the time you fill out a questionaire (which I've heard is grueling with Match.com... like taking the bar, or SATs all over again...) Then there is what is believed as some sort of representation of how they look. You pray that its accurate, but would you have been better off with a description from your friend about a blind date? Oh - he's about 5'10" dark complexion, brown hair, young looking...
But online, you have a picture... so the jig is up relatively quickly as to looks after you meet the person. Online, you have one on one acces to the person, without a third person interpreter, somewhat akin to the game "telephone" giving you the messages..
And then, after all this vetting, you get to decide in the end whether or not you want to see this person. And no one is hurt. If things don't work out - I'm sure match.com or the ISP provider isn't going to feel awkward in front of you and perhaps even not talk to you, or worse, judge you for not liking their friend. Like it was an absolute choice you could make.
Online, you can specify ethnic background and understanding. There are online dating sights for every race and ethnic background in the book. Blind dating only has a representation in a description by a friend who may or may not remember who they are. there may never be an issue with your parents EVER AGAIN about dating outside your race!
I'm not advocating one over the other, I'm just saying that online dating should not be as taboo as it was... I don't think its that bad anymore (predator-wise) and if you're not meeting people in your area, then why not -eh?
So - give online dating a go. Its scary, its crazy, its an endless pool of opportunity... and it should be.
And that means you Luscious.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
A friend is a friend- that's what a friend is...
You know - I've been thinking about friendships. Friendships are funny. I had a friend recently, we'll call her Lily, who was contacted by someone who wanted to amend their friendship that had gone sour. It got me to thinking about frienships...
When you're a kid, friends are easy to make. As a toddler, all you care about is that some other toddler doesn't grab the toy you want, and doesn't get in your way. I see it in my baby girl. She's wholly devoted to getting what she wants out of life, and by golly, if she has to pull chunks of hair out of an unsuspecting little boy to get to it - that is what she'll do.
As we get older, it starts to matter if people want to be friends with us. Threats like, "I'm not going to be your friend friend" start to matter... people have more of a stronghold on you than you would care to admit.
And we are pretty much in this state of affairs until we've either matured enough not to care, I mean, REALLY not to care, not some hormonally charged teenager's flippant version of "I don't care" when its clear they DO care, care, or we continue in this state in perpetuum.
We move on when we stop caring about whether or not we impress, both new and existing friends. Truth is - that doesn't happen in all circles. There will always be a person that matters whether or not they are your friend.. But for the most part, friendships, good or bad, are established. New friendships are good, are important, but its no longer life or death if someone decides they don't want to be your friend.
But - what do you do when a relationship fizzles? Not - a boy girl relationship, but a friendship relationship?
I think there is always a period of mourning. I think there is a moment when you discover, for whatever reasons, the relationship is over. The more important this friend is to you - the longer the mourning period. I also believe that there are those friendships that end - but it doesn't end. The relationship is clearly over, but there is always something that is unresolved... And as a result the friendship is over, but its not. Those are the friends you stalk on facebook even though you haven't spoken to them or contacted them in years..
Then there are those friendships that have a natural end to them, and neither party even thinks on the other.. Maybe mentioning the person will make you think about them - but that's it.
Friendships are complicated... as I wrote to Lily, because people are complicated. We expect romantic relationship to be complicated, but friendships to be simple... But its not that simple. Sometimes the most important relationship you have is not with someone you're romantically connected to...
I mean - where do the lines, "Bro's before ho's come from? Or "Chicks before Dicks?" Although they aren't the best articulated lines in the world, it comes from a deep rooted understanding that romantic relationships come and go - and frienships usually outlast them...
Which is true. But not all friendships evolve with you - or are meant to outlast anything...
I guess my point is - friendships are supposed to be easy. Its not that its supposed to be uncomplicated, but the friendship aspect of it should be easy. If you fight, making up should be easy. Talking should be easy. Laughing together, crying together should be easy... Any friendship that makes it hard is not worth the effort.
Sure - your friends are entitled to your loyalty. But it should BE from somewhere, and not just because - by happenstance, when you guys were kids you just rode the bus next to each other. The number of years that you are friends does not determine loyalty - as so many people confuse it to be. It should be level of ease at being friends.. Not being judged, not made to feel badly for ourselves. We have way too many people putting us down - ourselves included - that we don't need friends to do it to us.
So - Lily - my advice to you is - until that friendship is easier, don't worry about it.. If it was meant to be a friendship -it will work itself out..
When you're a kid, friends are easy to make. As a toddler, all you care about is that some other toddler doesn't grab the toy you want, and doesn't get in your way. I see it in my baby girl. She's wholly devoted to getting what she wants out of life, and by golly, if she has to pull chunks of hair out of an unsuspecting little boy to get to it - that is what she'll do.
As we get older, it starts to matter if people want to be friends with us. Threats like, "I'm not going to be your friend friend" start to matter... people have more of a stronghold on you than you would care to admit.
And we are pretty much in this state of affairs until we've either matured enough not to care, I mean, REALLY not to care, not some hormonally charged teenager's flippant version of "I don't care" when its clear they DO care, care, or we continue in this state in perpetuum.
We move on when we stop caring about whether or not we impress, both new and existing friends. Truth is - that doesn't happen in all circles. There will always be a person that matters whether or not they are your friend.. But for the most part, friendships, good or bad, are established. New friendships are good, are important, but its no longer life or death if someone decides they don't want to be your friend.
But - what do you do when a relationship fizzles? Not - a boy girl relationship, but a friendship relationship?
I think there is always a period of mourning. I think there is a moment when you discover, for whatever reasons, the relationship is over. The more important this friend is to you - the longer the mourning period. I also believe that there are those friendships that end - but it doesn't end. The relationship is clearly over, but there is always something that is unresolved... And as a result the friendship is over, but its not. Those are the friends you stalk on facebook even though you haven't spoken to them or contacted them in years..
Then there are those friendships that have a natural end to them, and neither party even thinks on the other.. Maybe mentioning the person will make you think about them - but that's it.
Friendships are complicated... as I wrote to Lily, because people are complicated. We expect romantic relationship to be complicated, but friendships to be simple... But its not that simple. Sometimes the most important relationship you have is not with someone you're romantically connected to...
I mean - where do the lines, "Bro's before ho's come from? Or "Chicks before Dicks?" Although they aren't the best articulated lines in the world, it comes from a deep rooted understanding that romantic relationships come and go - and frienships usually outlast them...
Which is true. But not all friendships evolve with you - or are meant to outlast anything...
I guess my point is - friendships are supposed to be easy. Its not that its supposed to be uncomplicated, but the friendship aspect of it should be easy. If you fight, making up should be easy. Talking should be easy. Laughing together, crying together should be easy... Any friendship that makes it hard is not worth the effort.
Sure - your friends are entitled to your loyalty. But it should BE from somewhere, and not just because - by happenstance, when you guys were kids you just rode the bus next to each other. The number of years that you are friends does not determine loyalty - as so many people confuse it to be. It should be level of ease at being friends.. Not being judged, not made to feel badly for ourselves. We have way too many people putting us down - ourselves included - that we don't need friends to do it to us.
So - Lily - my advice to you is - until that friendship is easier, don't worry about it.. If it was meant to be a friendship -it will work itself out..
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Hoopers vs. Phillips
Ocean City Maryland boasts a restaurant named Hoopers and Phillips. Both are amazing, both are always packed during the season, and both are a staple - and should be tried.
Hoopers offers an all you can eat menu of crabs. It has an assortment of other things on the menu as well - hush puppies, fried chicken, etc... but its delicious. I go there everytime I hit Ocean City MD. The only issue is the wait. Usually - if you go "late" - around 6:00pm or later, there is an hour wait. That is the only thing that is difficult, and it doesn't take reservations.
Phillips is an all you can eat buffet of things. It isn't that great, but it is great to have a variety of foods, and not just crab to eat.
The only other horrible thing is that you have to wait on line outside. There is a side for all you can eat buffet, and another for just dining... I've never known of another side of the restaurant where there is nothing but dining - and not buffet, but there supposedly is.
Hoopers is GREAT!! and so is Phillips.. and definitely must dos if you're ever in Ocean City, MD...
Hoopers offers an all you can eat menu of crabs. It has an assortment of other things on the menu as well - hush puppies, fried chicken, etc... but its delicious. I go there everytime I hit Ocean City MD. The only issue is the wait. Usually - if you go "late" - around 6:00pm or later, there is an hour wait. That is the only thing that is difficult, and it doesn't take reservations.
Phillips is an all you can eat buffet of things. It isn't that great, but it is great to have a variety of foods, and not just crab to eat.
The only other horrible thing is that you have to wait on line outside. There is a side for all you can eat buffet, and another for just dining... I've never known of another side of the restaurant where there is nothing but dining - and not buffet, but there supposedly is.
Hoopers is GREAT!! and so is Phillips.. and definitely must dos if you're ever in Ocean City, MD...
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Basic Instincts
I've been carefully watching my kid lately - and I realized something.
She's got amazing instincts. If she doesn't like someone, you know it. If she doesn't want to do something, she'll say it. If she is scared, she'll run to me to be held. If she's climbing and is getting scared, she asks for help. She'll laugh when she's happy, cry when she's sad. Tell me exactly what she wants when she wants it- and give me hugs and kisses when she wants to.
We spend all this time trying to break our kids of these habits (if she's scared I encourage her to keep going!! Work through your fear! You can do more! If she doesn't want to kiss me - I bribe her to get a kiss. She tells me what she wants, and I tell her she can't have what she wants when she wants it...) and then we spend a good lifetime trying to relearn what we were taught to suppress and oppress.
By nature, we are selfish creatures - who know what we want. It is beaten out of us, because society teaches us to be self-less and to think for others before we think of ourselves.
And then - when we get older, and find ourselves lost... the one thing we have to relearn is to ask ourselves what it is exactly we want, because we forget to assert ourselves. True - we have to be taught to assert ourselves in less of a juvenile way than our kids do - but in the end, we should KNOW what we want... and I find, in conditioning us to conform - we forget. In fact, I think its the oppression of this "selfishness" if you will - that gets us into trouble.
So - that's why I think - we should trust the basic instinct that you feel. Its often referred to as your "gut instinct" - and sometimes other people refer to it as your "first reaction", but its what you're born with..
Otherwise, you'll forget how to listen to yourself - and then spend a lifetime chasing it down - trying to find it again...
She's got amazing instincts. If she doesn't like someone, you know it. If she doesn't want to do something, she'll say it. If she is scared, she'll run to me to be held. If she's climbing and is getting scared, she asks for help. She'll laugh when she's happy, cry when she's sad. Tell me exactly what she wants when she wants it- and give me hugs and kisses when she wants to.
We spend all this time trying to break our kids of these habits (if she's scared I encourage her to keep going!! Work through your fear! You can do more! If she doesn't want to kiss me - I bribe her to get a kiss. She tells me what she wants, and I tell her she can't have what she wants when she wants it...) and then we spend a good lifetime trying to relearn what we were taught to suppress and oppress.
By nature, we are selfish creatures - who know what we want. It is beaten out of us, because society teaches us to be self-less and to think for others before we think of ourselves.
And then - when we get older, and find ourselves lost... the one thing we have to relearn is to ask ourselves what it is exactly we want, because we forget to assert ourselves. True - we have to be taught to assert ourselves in less of a juvenile way than our kids do - but in the end, we should KNOW what we want... and I find, in conditioning us to conform - we forget. In fact, I think its the oppression of this "selfishness" if you will - that gets us into trouble.
So - that's why I think - we should trust the basic instinct that you feel. Its often referred to as your "gut instinct" - and sometimes other people refer to it as your "first reaction", but its what you're born with..
Otherwise, you'll forget how to listen to yourself - and then spend a lifetime chasing it down - trying to find it again...
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