A friend is a friend- that's what a friend is...

You know - I've been thinking about friendships. Friendships are funny. I had a friend recently, we'll call her Lily, who was contacted by someone who wanted to amend their friendship that had gone sour. It got me to thinking about frienships...

When you're a kid, friends are easy to make. As a toddler, all you care about is that some other toddler doesn't grab the toy you want, and doesn't get in your way. I see it in my baby girl. She's wholly devoted to getting what she wants out of life, and by golly, if she has to pull chunks of hair out of an unsuspecting little boy to get to it - that is what she'll do.

As we get older, it starts to matter if people want to be friends with us. Threats like, "I'm not going to be your friend friend" start to matter... people have more of a stronghold on you than you would care to admit.

And we are pretty much in this state of affairs until we've either matured enough not to care, I mean, REALLY not to care, not some hormonally charged teenager's flippant version of "I don't care" when its clear they DO care, care, or we continue in this state in perpetuum.

We move on when we stop caring about whether or not we impress, both new and existing friends. Truth is - that doesn't happen in all circles. There will always be a person that matters whether or not they are your friend.. But for the most part, friendships, good or bad, are established. New friendships are good, are important, but its no longer life or death if someone decides they don't want to be your friend.

But - what do you do when a relationship fizzles? Not - a boy girl relationship, but a friendship relationship?

I think there is always a period of mourning. I think there is a moment when you discover, for whatever reasons, the relationship is over. The more important this friend is to you - the longer the mourning period. I also believe that there are those friendships that end - but it doesn't end. The relationship is clearly over, but there is always something that is unresolved... And as a result the friendship is over, but its not. Those are the friends you stalk on facebook even though you haven't spoken to them or contacted them in years..

Then there are those friendships that have a natural end to them, and neither party even thinks on the other.. Maybe mentioning the person will make you think about them - but that's it.

Friendships are complicated... as I wrote to Lily, because people are complicated. We expect romantic relationship to be complicated, but friendships to be simple... But its not that simple. Sometimes the most important relationship you have is not with someone you're romantically connected to...

I mean - where do the lines, "Bro's before ho's come from? Or "Chicks before Dicks?" Although they aren't the best articulated lines in the world, it comes from a deep rooted understanding that romantic relationships come and go - and frienships usually outlast them...

Which is true. But not all friendships evolve with you - or are meant to outlast anything...

I guess my point is - friendships are supposed to be easy. Its not that its supposed to be uncomplicated, but the friendship aspect of it should be easy. If you fight, making up should be easy. Talking should be easy. Laughing together, crying together should be easy... Any friendship that makes it hard is not worth the effort.

Sure - your friends are entitled to your loyalty. But it should BE from somewhere, and not just because - by happenstance, when you guys were kids you just rode the bus next to each other. The number of years that you are friends does not determine loyalty - as so many people confuse it to be. It should be level of ease at being friends.. Not being judged, not made to feel badly for ourselves. We have way too many people putting us down - ourselves included - that we don't need friends to do it to us.

So - Lily - my advice to you is - until that friendship is easier, don't worry about it.. If it was meant to be a friendship -it will work itself out..