Happy New Year…. Oh Good Grief.

If you’re anything like me – which I’ve been reassured time and time again that I’m average, so I’m thinking that at least 50% of you people ARE like me – then you believe (to a certain extent) that how you start the new year is pretty much how your entire year will look. If it starts out lucky –your entire year will be lucky. If it starts out unlucky – then that’s how your year will be.

And if you end the old year fighting with your mom and not making up before the new year – despite all your attempts – then your new year is going to suck.

That is exactly where I am right now. Stuck. Between a rock and a new year.

I tried. Oh – I tried to make amends. But my mom went on what I lovingly refer to as a “shit spiral down to hell.” Now that I have a kid – I lovingly refer to it as a “crap spiral down to H-E-double hockey sticks..” Whatever the conversation started as, it ended as, “how can I ever prove to you that I’m a good mother…” or “I can never talk about what I’m unhappy about, so I will always be unhappy…” and one of my all time favorites, “what – now I can’t be unhappy?” Cognitively – I know that none of this is about me and she would have cycled down into one of these with or without me. But as you might guess, I would have much rather that I wasn't the catalyst, and didn't stupidly started talking about something I had no business talking about – and so – to a certain extent – I did this to myself.

She’s had these cycles ever since I can remember. No one ever said my mom’s life was easy. It wasn’t, and I have a deep and profound respect for her and all she’s done – both for herself – and for us kids. But – I didn’t get my flair for drama from nowhere. It came straight from my mom – do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. I’ve learned to temper my own feelings to reasonable and rational ones when I'm pissed off or upset, but my mom has yet to really get there… I don’t think she’s trying really hard, and as an elder Chinese lady – who basically, in my culture, has a right to do anything she wants to do and not be questioned by us younger kids, she’s never going to get there.

Either way, we fought, and she’s unhappy.

So – by extension – I’m unhappy. How could I be happy? My mother is unhappy. And I am part of the reason. And it’s new years eve. And if we don’t make up – that basically means fulfills my superstition that the rest of the year is going to suck too.

Why does it have to be so complicated? Our relationship with our mothers, I mean. Some women have it really good. Some have phenomenal relationships with their mothers. I wouldn’t say that my relationship with my mother is phenomenal, but it’s not bad. It’s never been that bad. But, it’s never been easy either. A complex mother daughter relationship, exacerbated by complex Chinese cultures, makes for complex discussions the night before new years… which most likely won’t be fixed until next year.

But at the end of the day, the thing that really gets me – is my mom is sad and I caused that… and – well – that’s just not the way to start a new year. I tried to make amends, but I think the best thing to do is to give her some space to get over it. But in the interim, I’m sitting here – sad. Sad that I’m going to start the new year with my mom sad and me being the cause for it.

So – a note to you at the end of 2009… do not have candid discussions with your mom New Year’s Eve.. it might go horribly wrong, leaving you sitting next to your man with the laptop on your thighs, blogging about it as you watch (insert name) countdown to the next year’s show.

I got a feeling.. tonight’s not gonna be a good night…. Not gonna be a good goood night...

I hate ending things on a bad note. I've got some control over my blog- so let's end things happily - and try to set the stage for next year...

May you have a Happy New Year! Here's to hoping for good things in 2010 (and hopefully that will squash this stupid superstition of mine!!!)

Have yourself a merry little christmas…

Christmas always seems to be a time of…. STRESS.

Let’s face it. When do we ever go out and buy all this loot for as many people as we do, spend hours wrapping the stuff up, spend endless hours traveling and handing out gifts, all in the name of a fat man in a red suit? (Cause it’s totally not for Baby Jesus..) I mean – really. We did this to ourselves. Damn you Hallmark.
But –every year – we go through it, and if you ask – COUNTLESS people will tell you that this is their favorite holiday..

An unscientific survey of my own brain leads me to the following reasons (and corresponding refuting arguments as to why these reasons... are dumb) people think that Christmas is their favorite holiday….

1. Family get togethers:

Okay – here’s a newsflash. If you’re only getting together with your family once a year, then – you just might not like them that much – or get along with them enough to be able to tolerate them for a long (or short) holiday. Hence all fighting when it comes to family holiday get togethers. My anectdote for that is – if you don’t like your family – don’t pick Christmas to spend with them… There’s too much pressure.. Presents, sitting around the table… having to have to be giving (since that is usually the central theme to all Christmas holiday specials.) Choose another less stressful holiday to get together.. Namely – Halloween. That way – you can get dressed up –and if need be – get away by putting on your mask and pretending to be someone else.

2. Presents presents presents. Exchanging presents for the holidays.
Ask these same people whether or not the presents they give out are well received or not… often times, the presents aspect of the holidays is the hardest and most stressful part of the holiday. Look at what is associated with present giving and receiving.

Giving: You’re constantly looking for that perfect gift for that person (most of the time –you trump up your own belief as to how awesome the gift is) – you might (1) miss the fact that the person really hates the gift upon opening; or (2) be uber disappointed that, although they liked the gift when they opened it –they didn’t seem to like it ENOUGH… Not to mention the hours and money put into the actual purchasing, then the wrapping selection (bag or wrapping paper?) then the delivery (do you meet on a day before or after the holidays?)

Receiving: What if you spend hours upon hours purchasing something for someone –you’ve thought about what the person likes – doesn’t like.. Then it comes time to exchange the gift, and you realize they got you a gift card with no thought involved whatsoever. Or – you have that friend who purchases you a gift, and then asks for the next 10 hours for constant reassurance that you like the gift, and even years later, asks where the gift is… I mean – c’mon! Is it wrong at that point to say – bluntly that you regifted it. Or, the best is when you give a gift, and the other person didn’t – and you sit there reexamining your friendship – thinking – hm.. do I care MORE?

3. The lights are beautiful!
Have you ever had to put up said lights? The first night they’re beautiful. Then – a bulb pops, and ½ your lights aren’t working.. and you have no idea where to change the bulb to get it to look nice. Then your house is the ghetto fabulous house on the block with ½ it’s lights working and ½ its lights broken. Ghetto. Fabulous…

4. Everyone is filled with the Christmas spirit!
Have ya been to a mall around Christmas time? Most of the people are scrambling to buy gifts, disgruntled, screaming patrons, aggressive driving…. It is one of the WORST times of the year. People are fighting over gifts in the store – last ticket items. If the Christmas spirit is cut-throat present purchasing, then EVERYONE I encountered at the mall was totally into the Christmas spirit.

*** and finally***

5. Seeing your kids (if you have any) run to the tree screaming PRESENTS…
I got nothing. That really is awesome.

Okay – so unless your reason is totally #5 – then I have no idea why you would ever think that Christmas is the best holiday ever.

It just so happens that for me- it’s totally #5.

Happy Holidays everyone.

New York – Concrete jungle where dreams are made of…

I’m procrastinating. I don’t want to wrap gifts. I don’t want to do any online last minute shopping. I don’t want to redistribute gifts because I forgot a person I should have remembered to give a gift to and I need to rejigger stuff…
I don’t wanna do none of it..

And in the midst of it all – I’m sitting here – watching TV… (the greatest procrastinating enabler in the whole world) and a scene from New York’s Brooklyn Bridge passes by.

A little background on me. I grew up in New York. Brooklyn to be exact. It is a huge part of who I am. In fact, often, I lament the idea of my daughter growing up in suburbia, USA. There are a lot of pros living in suburbia USA, but – c’mon. New York – concrete jungle where dreams are made of! There’s nothing you can’t do!!And although I’ve acclimated to the life I have here in suburbia USA, I’m mindful of New York every time I see it on TV, or visit friends/family in New York, or walk the mean streets of New York.

I mean – I was in New York when 42nd street really was filled with sleeze… and not the adult Disney extravaganza that it is now. You could walk through the parks by Gracie Mansion, and it wasn’t gated off, and the Twin Towers stood tall above the underground plaza beneath with Banana Republic and the Mariott and the Duane Reade, amongst the HSBC ATMs by the escalators leading to the PATH. That was MY New York. Before Alphabet City was filled with yuppies, before they decided to start, and before they completed construction on the Manhattan Bridge. There was no W line, and trains were referred to their letter/number – not their color. The red line? What the frick is that?!?!

I spent the better half of 25 years in New York City-smelling the smells, learning the streets, falling in love. Besides my family, it is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in.

But – we separated about 10 years ago – and a lot changes in 10 years. Some things still stay the same. Thirty rock is the same, Central Park – for the most part – is the same. The Guggenheim, 34th Street – Herald Square, the Empire State Building, the Natural Museum of History, Pier 17, Chinatown, Little Italy, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Manhattan Bridges (sans squatters settlement at the base in NYC), Chelsea Piers, 14th Street…. The same.

But other things- like Williamsburg in Brooklyn, Brooklyn Heights area, Flatbush, Main Street – those places have exploded. It’s crowded, it’s hustling, it’s bustling, it’s crazy…

Truth is, I’m not sure I would want to live in NYC right now. It’s not exactly the best place for a family who’s starting up with small kids. I mean, there’s the subway, autonomy for kids… As a kid – I loved it! But my children cannot be trusted. They cannot be trusted with autonomy. I gasp at the idea. But what a world it was when I was young. I started taking the train when I was young young. I had my fair share of men flashing me man giblets, and saw a whole bunch of inappropriate things on the train. But – wasn’t that par for the course? But – funny thing is – I don’t want my daughter going through that. I don’t want her first experience with man giblets to be on a subway from some skeezy homeless guy… I’m getting there.

I don’t think I’ll ever get over New York. Everyone has a place that is home to them. For me – it’s New York. I do get nostalgic when I see it on the tube. I get nostalgic when I visit friends/family. I get nostalgic when I hear songs. I miss the city.

New York. Concrete Jungle where dreams are made of. There’s nothing you can’t do.

That’s the place in my heart. New York City – is my heart….

I’m just not that into my blog.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what to blog. Often times I’d come up with a blog topic, and then I’d think – that’s wayyy too personal. I’ve always been too afraid to reveal too much of myself in my posts.

Okay, okay, my inspiration was yet again some sappy movie, that I love. I’m talking about He’s just not that into you. Another sappy movie- I know, I know, but one particular scene stuck out in my head and struck a chord about me on a lot of different levels.

So – the scene is at the end of Alex’s (Apple Mac Pc guy) party when Gigi (Big Love chick) throws herself on him and he says that she didn’t get anything he was teaching her about relationships – and when people just weren’t into each other and that she didn’t understand. After being berated, she says that she’d rather be like herself than like him. Then she says that she might make a fool of herself and be vulnerable – but that he’s alone and she’s closer to finding love than he ever would be.

(Okay - I cheated - here's the quote:

Gigi: I would rather be like that, than be like you.
Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?
Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You think you've won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.
)

I thought about that for a little bit. In our own relationships, the sexiest memory we have of our significant others aren’t necessarily when they’re standing there nekked in front of you doing a happy dance, things bouncing happily all over the place. The most adrenaline drawing, toe curling memories we have are moments of absolute vulnerability.

Think about it for a moment. The best memories are memories of confessions of love and adoration, sharing intimate details about a sordid past, opening up about themselves, holding hands for the first time, kissing for the first time, the first time you were told that they loved you. All these moments have vulnerability in common. Leaving yourself vulnerable (not desperately open and pathetic, but a guarded vulnerability) is sexy. It is extremely attractive.

I have done it once or twice in my life – but the reality is – I don’t know how to be vulnerable in my life. I hide behind wit and my amazing body and gorgeousness (I’ll just let you think on that a moment…) but for the most part in my life, I am usually not very vulnerable to people. I tell people things, I share things, but deep vulnerability? I struggle with that one. I can’t even be completely vulnerable to my husband. I have no idea how to be.

Which leads me to this blog. I have thought of a number of posts. I didn’t write anything about them because I was too afraid of saying too much about how I feel that reveals too much about who I am. My toes curled a little bit with the idea of revealing something intimate about myself. But, I’ve also noticed, to a certain extent, that the best blogs are the ones where people are most open about themselves, most revealing. People are also more appreciative.

I’m not really sure where I’ll come down on this – but I wonder. Will the rewards (gigi’s character) be better than the control I have (Alex’s character) of the entire situation around myself?

Hm….

The Garden of Make Believe

I've been reminiscing about my past... wayyy past.. Like 3-4 years old past.

I used to watch this show called "The Magical Garden of Make Believe." As a kid, I loved it. Loved everything about it. From the swings, to the squirrel, to the lollipops, to the chuckling flowers. I loved it.

Between that point in my life to now, no one believed the show existed. I used to ask people if they remembered the Magical Kingdom of Make Believe.. and people always responded with something snide like, "are YOU in that magical garden of make believe right now?" or "are you high on something - because what kind of name is THAT for a childrens' show?" Now - I wasn't high - but I'm sure the people who created the show were. Wasn't everyone at that time?

But - with the wonderful proliferation of things good and evil now on the internet, a co-worker put these simple words in my search engine, clicked the 'video' tab - and lo and behold.. The Magical Garden of Make Believe appeared before me...

I think everyone should have a Magical Garden of Make Believe. No - not an actual one, but I mean a show that brings you back to one of the best points in your life. Afterall, how much cooler does your life really get after three? I mean, at three, you have someone paying for your meals, you always have clothes to wear, you don't ever worry about the mundane details in life, like - if you poop in your pants, who is going to change you? Someone always did.. (well - I wasn't not potty trained at that point.. I swear I was potty trained already...) I mean, my life at three was cake. I'd say, I may not have had it better since... Different? Good - perhaps.. Better? No way.

So - when I saw this video, it instantly transferred me back to that moment in time... and all the nice memories, and feelings of security came back..

But I still had my adult brain, and as I watched the video unfurl in front of me, I thought - damn - this show was hokey.

I remember one of the things that really fascinated me was the squirrel's home. I wanted to go inside the home of that squirrel. I wanted to know what it was like to live in a tree. How great would that be? To live in a tree.. Wouldn't you like to see? (sorry - the regression is still very strong... ) The chuckling flowers were great too. Oh - how I wanted a swing in my home on my imaginary tree.. in a big room...

And - I really wanted that stone laden walkway...

It's amazing how many memories an actual video can bring back.

Now that I have a baby girl, I'd like to expose her to the same shows that I used to watch as a kid... but watching the TV today- it's a completely different world. Ni Hao Kai Lan would have rocked my world as a kid. I've even DVR'd some Sesame Street shows, but I have to admit, it's just not the same as when I was a kid... and not in a good way... I think there's way too much going on now - and I'm not sure why - but I feel as though the puppets (the Elmos and Ernies and Berts of the world) are just screaming.. Did they always scream and carry on this way? And WHAT happened to Suffleupagus, lovingly referred to as 'snuffy?' He was the best ever..

But - I digress.. My point is, you want to share a little bit of your past with your kids... You want, perhaps, to be able to talk about how you felt watching the program and how your kid felt- with your child when you're older..

Now, however, watching that show online... I'm not sure if I would.

Maybe I'll keep chuckling flowers to myself...

and that squirrel's home... I still want to find out how that squirrel's pad is decked out...

Look into my crystal ball….

I don’t know your take on psychics, but for the longest time, I refused to go to any of them. I think, perhaps, it had something to do with believing in them too much. It’s like that superstition that is only as real as the faith you give in its truth.

So – I didn’t really like the idea of going to a psychic, until my girlfriend said that she had a psychic friend, and that we should go as a harmless girl’s day out type thing. Sound good? No. It’s not. Now – unless you’re ready to fall completely in love with an activity that you and your friends decided to do for ‘girls night out.’

I was hooked.

When I went to my first psychic, and I have to say, I was a little disappointed. Though she was on point, I had to ask her questions. In my head, I thought – there’s something I’m giving away while asking the question. Maybe I have a slight intonation in my voice when I am talking about something I want to happen and the psychic just picks up on that – and uses that as the “prediction.” Or, maybe my question itself is a clue into what it is I want her to say. Needless to say – I was skeptical after the first psychic. But I had my share of fun with the girls, a nice lunch, good conversation (mostly about the predictions).

I was amazed to see how many people were into psychics. After my first psychic reading, it was fodder for conversation at my office, at family functions, with friends, with strangers, with anyone actually. People asked me a number of questions. Most of the time there was a heavy amount of skepticism, but there was a lot of intrigue as well. Funnier even, when asked, most of these skeptical people have gone to a psychic too. It’s amazing how many people have actually gone to a psychic, and even more, how heavily the messages they give them are guarded. People actually think that telling others what a psychic told you is a little like telling someone what your wish is right after you blew out the candles on your birthday cake. Shhhh!! Don’t tell! It may not come true.

My skepticism was securely maintained, and I remained really cynical about what any psychic might say about me. Afterall, there was nothing that psychic told me that couldn’t be explained away by the way I asked the question, or what I said in my question, or the way I looked at her, or even because of the way I smelled. Oh – I have on powder fresh scent, of course she knew I went to high school in New York City!! I mean – duh.

And then – I met – Fiona. Holy cow. Fiona made me sweat up a storm. She was referred to me by a friend at work. It isn’t required that you ask questions. She simply asks you to start drawing cards and asks to hold something that was solely owned by you. As you’re drawing your cards, she starts to prattle about the mundane details of your life and offers you advice on the number one most important thing you were thinking before you got there. (We all have to admit, despite how cynical we get, there still is a sense of awe there when someone starts talking about your life, and they’re repeating it like they read it – but it’s been a while, so they’re just trying to retell it from memory, AND IN THE EXACT PRIORITY LEVEL YOU HAVE IT ON YOUR QUESTION SHEET.)

I tried to generally apply what she said to me, and I have to admit, there wasn’t any way the things she said to me could be applied generally. I had a list of questions. Boom. Boom. Boom. Answered Question 1, 2, and 3.

It was really freaky.

Another friend of mine, who also believed in these psychics, went to another one before and asked who had psychic ability- and who did not. That particular psychic said that it was a bit like a gene that passes in the family. If you have a family member who has always seemed touch, or is into this stuff, it is a pretty good bet that you’ve got that gene in you as well. But it is up to you to use that ability. If you have been able to use it before (small kids who have imaginary friends… yeah – okay…. Imaginary my butt now…) as they get older and figure out what they’re involved with, the person gets to decide if they want to continue to receive these sixth sense type images/feelings/senses. If you are in constant denial about the ability, like a muscle that is never used, it soon atrophies and is no longer useful in any real way. Same with a sixth sense. So you can decide to be aware, or you can decide to be unaware…

But it’s ultimately up to you to choose..

So, rather than just stop at a list of questions, I also brought pictures of people with me. She pauses over everyone’s face, places her fingers on the image. Often, if the person has a problem, her finger traces over the area that had posed a problem in the past. She then answers questions about the people in the picture that you might have questions on, but she did not discuss during the main portion of the reading. She usually asks for the list of questions or the pictures at the end, after she's done verbally vomiting the answers to all your deepest darkest questions/secrets.

It’s bewitching to think that your path really has a bit of predetermination. It’s like the psychic Is the GPS in my brain, basically leading me to one place, but allowing me the option of making my mistakes, and then the world joins together to get me back on tract. In GPS terms, the psychic is saying, “recalculating.” Only – you’re too focused on being lost, sometimes you don’t even listen… or hear it.

So – what am I saying about psychics? If you’re tickled by the idea, try one out. This is the psychic I went to and ultimately really liked. Keep an open mind, otherwise, don’t even bother… But, I hope you know that you still have fate over your destiny… the psychic just sees a snapshot of where you are, and presumes the path you’re going to take (very much like a GPS)… whether or not you take that path, or the unbeaten path, now that is up to you.

http://thewhitegryphon.com/

War. What is it good for? Absolutely Nothing.

Warning*** this is not a happy blog. Do not ready if you want to stay happy today...***

In honor of Veteran's Day...

I wrote a letter when this war began in the Middle East per George number two. I wrote a letter to soldiers I didn’t know – but thought about often. I am not a peaceful person by nature. I believe in an eye for an eye. I believe in the death penalty (with conclusive DNA evidence, or course. Nothing based on circumstance). I DO believe that we should kill people to show people that killing people is wrong. But war… Well – I just don’t get wars.

I ESPECIALLY don’t get this war.

But, rather than get into the war and what it’s about and why it matters, all I want to talk about is what REALLY matters. The soldiers that battle in these wars.

Whatever the battle… we’ve lost. We’ve lost sons, we’ve lost daughters, we’ve lost friends, we’ve lost fathers, we’ve lost mothers, we’ve lost. We’ve really lost.

And when I mean we’ve lost, I mean – we have lost. Because even for those persons who are still here, those soldiers who fought and were able to return home, they are no longer the people they were when they left. They are broken. And we’ve forgotten about them. We’ve forgotten that they laid their lives on the line, live or die, for the freedoms we enjoy every day. We are able to forget them, because they battle for us. Our daily lives do not change. Their worlds do. Lives shift in the balance, and somehow, that is something that many of them knowingly understand before enlisting, and more than understand when they return for their second, third or fourth deployment. Often, it is simply because they cannot leave those people they battled with-behind.

I don’t remember what I wrote in my letter, but the sentiments ring true to this day, for me. It was really important to me to convey how I felt about these soldiers who fight this battle, regardless of whether or not they agree with the war. It is their duty to go, and they honor their duty. My letter went something like this:

“I don’t know who you are, but I look for you every day. In news reports, on CNN, in any media outlet, I look for you. I search for you to make sure you are alright. I look for you to make sure you come home to us. I look for you to be sure that I remember the sacrifice you make for us. I look for you to mourn in case you have fallen. Fallen for me. I will always look for you, and remember. Come home. Come home to us safely.”

As the humdrum of life has gone on, and the war is covered less and less in the media, I have to admit, I look for these soldiers less and less, but the numbers still come through. This week, 30 people died. Next week – who knows how many? Fort Hood took 13 lives, on our own soil. No more war. We are all done.

As my daughter says, “All done.”

Let us be all done.

I don't wanna go slow I go fast!

A tiny head resting on your shoulder. That is my new best feeling in the world.

My daughter has been sick for the past X number of days, and in the rush of getting things done, and trying to maintain some sort of sanity, things passed me by. Through all the hustle and bustle, I found myself listening to one of the songs I downloaded for her from ITunes. I heard this band from Nick Jr., and I love them. They’re called the Laurie Berkner Band. There is one particularly pertinent song that I love to listen to from them. It’s called ‘Fast and Slow’ – and to children, it’s a song about the tortoise and the rabbit. But there’s another message that’s there for older kids or adults. The following are the lyrics (click on the link for the video).

Fast and Slow
(The Rabbit and the Turtle)

I don’t want to go slow I go fast
I’m a rabbit I hop and I jump and I dash
And I’ll go whizzing by
In the blink of an eye
Like a jet-engine airplane that speeds through the sky
I don’t want to go slow I go fast

I don’t want to go fast I go slow
That’s the way that I move, I’m a turtle you know
Join me as I crawl by
We can breathe, we can sigh
We can laugh we can cry
We can talk about why
We don’t want to go fast we go slow

I don’t want to go slow I go fast
I’m a rabbit I hop and I jump and I dash
And I’ll go whizzing by
In the blink of an eye
Like a jet-engine airplane that speeds through the sky
I don’t want to go slow I go fast

You don’t want to go slow you go fast
And you may find you’re missing the world you go past
Crickets singing their sound
Golden leaves turning brown
You might find something new that you wouldn’t have found
If you never went slow, only fast

Won’t you slow down
And wait for me?
Take it slow, take it slow, take it slow
Come on slow down
We can share all the new things we see
When we’re slow, here we go, together we’re slow

And other times we can go fast!


As you might have guessed, the lines that spoke to me particularly were, “You don’t want to go slow you go fast/And you may find you’re missing the world you go past/Crickets singing their sound/Golden leaves turning brown/You might find something new that you wouldn’t have found/If you never went slow, only fast.”

So – she put her head on my shoulder, and snuggled into my body. I hugged her back, and held her tight.

I don’t want to go fast.. because I find that I’m missing the world I go past.

Or just a tiny head resting on my shoulder.

Take me out to the Ballgame...

First, I’d like to apologize to Luscious’s son. I know how much he loves baseball.

So – here it is.

I don’t get baseball. I’ll admit it. McSquared seems to be an equal opportunity sports watcher. He likes everything. He likes baseball, football, soccer (when we have access to it), and volleyball—just to name a few. If there’s something to be won competitively, he’ll watch it.

So – I’m here watching the fourth game in the World Series.

I suppose if you really think about it, it’s hard to really give any of these types of games any real weight. I mean, it’s a bunch of grown men chasing after a ball, for the most part. Phallic, isn’t it? But, let’s just say that we don’t find it funny that we spend bajillions of dollars paying these guys to chase after these balls, there is some real heat that goes on between people watching these games. I mean, there are fights over these games sometimes. People can be so funny.

So – let’s get to it. I don’t get baseball. I like football. There is nothing better than seeing a bunch of hunky big boys in tight tight pants. (Not the same as ballet). But there is constant action in football that doesn’t happen in baseball. During the set up, they break to commercial, when there’s a time out, they go to commercial. In football, anything boring cuts to commercial, so you know you have about 60 seconds to pee, get a glass of water, grab that second beer, etc… Baseball though, you watch every second. Every. Single. Second. You watch them chew gum/tobacco like they’re all cows on a pasture. You watch the pitcher set up on the mound, you watch the batter swing his bat a bajillion times before the pitch is actually thrown, and then, when you’ve finally decided it’s too boring to pay any more attention, the pitcher throws the ball, someone whacks it out of the park, and you missed it. You missed it because you decided nothing was going to happen, so you look away for all of two seconds, and you miss it. You miss some amazing base hit missed by the other team, and so someone runs home. And it would have been so exciting to watch, if you had just WATCHED it.

Then, what’s up with the umpires being completely right beyond reproach? Where’s the challenge flag here? In game 4 for example, that guy on the Phillies team CLEARLY misses home, and yet, he was declared safe. Either there was no way to challenge it – or the Yankees were stupid… and I don’t really think the Yankees are stupid. They’re paid enough to have the stupid knocked out of them. So what’s up with that? I mean, football is tolerable because you can challenge a stupid call. It seems to be a little justice there. No disrespect to the umpires (or the referees in football), but everyone makes mistakes. Don’t take it personal. But it can’t be done.

Then there’s this ridiculous talking under their breathe. Everyone talks under their breathe. The umpires are miked, so sometimes they play what was actually said, but there’s no passion accompanied with the talking under their breathe. I mean, there IS passion, but there’s no passion. Like – in soccer and football, there’s a lot of passion, a lot of screaming, a lot of cheering, and a lot of air fist pumping. And that’s just by the players. But, in baseball, the rowdiest people are those in the stands. Everyone else is stoic faced… Even the homeruns come back to quite a stoic reception. I find it all really pretty boring, actually. Any real show of passion is deemed a brouhaha. (Love it when the arguments rise to the level of kicking up dirt at an umpires feet).

So – I suppose what I’m trying to say is not only do I not really get America’s Favorite Passtime, I’ll have to say, to the chagrin of a lot of Americans, that I don’t really like it. I much rather watch soccer or football. Now – those are EXCITING games… And even if they’re really terrible, football players wear tight tight pants, and soccer players often remove their shirts… Which is good family fun (for mom).

Oh – P.S. How can fat people be playing baseball? I can understand why fat guys play football, I’ve yet to see fat people play soccer or volleyball. But I’ve seen pudgy (to say it lovingly) people playing baseball. Now how did THAT happen?

Oh – P.P.S. There are no names on the back of the shirts for the Yankees. What’s up with that?

Oh - P.P.P.S. Baseball seems to be the least physically challenging as compared to football and soccer. What's up with leaving a game for an injury? Unless you get a ball lodge in your head, I'm not sure baseball warrants the same forgiveness for injuries during a game.

Credit Report Card

In college, I was horrendous with my credit. Hor-ren-dous. Let me tell you. I always winced a little when I brought my bra, that was 50% off full retail price, to the counter for purchase, and the Victoria Secrets cashier would ask, “Do you want to save 10% on your purchase by signing up for a credit card?” I made the mistake once of doing just that, and I stood there for about 20 minutes, the phone being passed back and forth from the cashier to me, a long line of people waiting impatiently behind me, only to be told, in front of that line of people, “I’m sorry, the credit history wasn’t good enough. The application for the credit card was rejected. Your credit report didn’t work out for us.”

“Credit report? What credit report?!” I thought. This was right around the time the internet was invented, so I couldn’t even Google what horrible credit report meant. I was just told by MCSquared what it was. Needless to say, I never said yes to one of those credit card deal things again. Never.

As I grew up, my credit score got better. None of that was because of me. MCSquared had taken some control over my (debt) finances, and (paid a lot of it) set me straight in a lot of ways. My only marching orders were (not to spend anymore of my own or his money) fly straight from here on in. So, I did just that, and as of two years ago – my credit history was fantastic. I mean – really really great.

So, today, I go to buy a car, and was told what my credit score was. I was shocked. Not only was it not as good as it used to be, it was barely even good in comparison to the world of credit ratings. It was like getting a C or B minus on a report card. And that’s what it felt like. Like I had worked hard throughout my entire life (since college) to get my credit report back to good, and it was like I had failed a final- and BAM! I got a C on my credit report card.

But the worse wasn’t just hearing that I got such a terrible score… Well, it’s not that terrible, but it’s terrible enough.. But the worse was being called into the back room – and asked to fill out “additional” information. No one is called into the back room unless things on your credit report card came back under par. Just a year ago, I walked out of a dealership with a car, without having to go to the “back room.” I didn’t even think twice about it. But now, it’s as if your teacher is so disgusted with your performance that you have to be sent to the principal’s office. This is the adult version of the principal’s office. Let me add, I was never sent to the principal’s office in school.

So – there I was, sweating; trying to figure out exactly why my credit was what it was, challenging the person behind the desk reading this stuff off the computer if he was REALLY reading it correctly. It was terrible. Then, getting into my car and having to explain to MCSquared that I flew just this side of straight. Hey – I was aiming for that second star to the right…

Some of the things he read off the computer, I knew about. Other things, I had no idea. All I know is, the moment I got home, I signed up for one of the credit reporting companies – just to be able to keep tract of my credit. From now on – there is no messing around. It was like going over a test, or a report card even, and trying to make an argument for why or what happened in each situation. Only problem was, the guy behind the table had no control over any of the scores on my credit report card… So any efforts were completely futile.

Lesson learned. One: keep tract of your credit if you’re not already. I know it’s something people always say that I should have done, and I always said I was going to do it, but I’m GOING TO DO IT now. Two: pay your bills on time. One day after the 30 day mark is not a good thing. Finally: Don’t assume that just because a bill is some measly $100 that the credit report card people will care that you’ve been making all your other really expensive payments on really expensive things. That $100 is going to come back to haunt you.

I’m gonna get a frickin A on my next credit report card (apparently seven years from now – which is just about the amount of time it will take to clear my credit history of all this apparent mess) even if it kills me.

Pucker up Puckerman!!

My new favorite show: Glee
My new favorite character on Glee: Puckerman (CRUSH!!)
Why I love it: Sue Sylvester (made popular as the boss in 40 year old virgin - who sings about the gardener? who sang her a song (about futbol) when he made sweet sweet love to her that first time....)

I'm a nerd at heart - and I sing. This is like a pipe dream... Being in GLEE used to automatically qualify you for instant wedgies and/or being dumped in the school dump for being nerdy... and THAT was even in a nerdy school...

So now, you've got these really hip and cool badasses that are becoming a part of GLEE club... hob knobbing with the nerds. And this show plays up those stereotypes.

Then there's all that unrequited love. What is it about unrequited love that you want to happen, and being that it's a TV show -you're sure somewhere in the 4th or 5th season - some of those relationships will become requited... :)

So - GLEE is IT for me.

Hello, My name is Dyang, and I'm a Dancing with the Stars-aholic.

Why do I love Dancing with the Stars? Two Words.

Derek Hough.

Okay- that’s not true.

Maxim Chmerkovskiy.

Okay – that’s not true either.

Here’s the real truth. I can BEAT THEM. I can totally do better than most of those stars. Well – maybe not the ones who’ve been trained and are dancing/singing performers. But – the others? Oh yeah – I can rock step their world—I say to myself as I take another GINORMOUS helping of ice cream from the Haagen Daaz Vanilla Swiss Almond Pint, and scratch my bum.

Everyone has the bug in them. The — “I could have gotten famous” —bug in them. I didn’t have a bug. I had an epidemic. I had the plague version of it. I couldn’t get into (as in watch – not actually get on the show) American Idol, because my thing was singing, and frankly, I’m too old to be on American Idol. (Dammit – isn’t there a constitutional thing against that – like ageism?) So – that hit too close to (my ego) home.

So – going through all the reality TV shows, the only one that has stuck (from Top Chef, to Project Runway) is Dancing with the Stars. What do I like about it? I like that these incredibly beautiful, agile, and thin women’s skin wrinkles up when they turn/contort their bodies—making it look like sometimes there’s some fat there… There isn’t – but there something about that wrinkled skin that puts a smile on my face. I like that these “celebrities” are D list celebrities, so you could actually RELATE to some of these people as human. Also, despite their celebrity, they all truly want to be a part of the show, convincingly. They all seem to genuinely be vested in winning. I like it because of the ½ nekked guys (and the pretty girls - , who really aren’t that great looking (not- that was for MCSquared’s benefit), but look AMAZING on the dance floor. I love it mainly for the dances. My strategy in watching it is to DVR it. Then watch it either after each show, or after both shows, so I have all two shows and yummy goodness at my fingertips. The only judge I like is Lenny, but even with that said, I fast forward through not only the commercials but also the judges. If I hear one more, “woohoo” from Caryann Inaba (sp?) or one more crazy screaming fit (I can’t really understand much of what he says) from Bruno, it will be too soon. I watch the footage of them working, and then the actual dance. I love seeing the bodies change shape and form. You see toner, leaner bodies of the celebrities towards the end of the show. I love the costumes, dress up, the hair. I love seeing the transformation of what looks like a complete mess, to something amazing on stage.

And I can’t help but think – I can DO THAT! I probably wouldn’t be able to do a simple (impressed?) quick quick or slow slow mambo cha cha cha… All I know is that for the two hours I’m watching them—I’m convinced that I can do the dance too.

I suppose that’s the reason why it’s such a good show. You escape to become a D-list celebrity, who has a lot invested in winning a dancing show.

That and… Derek Hough.

Affection Affliction

Growing up as a child to immigrant parents, I didn't see a lot of affection. Affection wasn't a cause of any kind of celebration; in fact, it was quite awkward when my mom held me in any other way than a hard jerk of the arm to move me out of the way of oncoming traffic or something like that.

Perhaps that is why I am so drawn to it now. I am extremely affectionate with my child. I cuddle with her, I kiss her, I hug her wayyy too much (it has gotten to a point where she puts one tiny little hand on my face and pushes me away)... But it remains relatively strained between my parents and siblings. It even is that way – to a certain extent with MCSquared.

What's this thing society has with affection anyway. Because there's a fine line between too much affection, and too little affection - and everyone knows when the line has been crossed, and when it has not, but no one can tell you where this line is.

Most of the time, affection, or lack thereof, is interpreted by people to be in direct correlation to the amount of love, or lack thereof that someone feels for another.

But I live amongst a whole people who do not subscribe to this belief. Traditional Chinese people are not affectionate in any way shape or form. In fact, there should be no mistaking accidental touching for anything other than an accident. I used to watch Chinese movies, when a girl put her head on a guy’s shoulder – I used to think, “What are you THINKING!! Do you want to be labeled a ho!? Get your head off that guy’s shoulder!!!” – And imagine-I lived amongst a people who believed that wasn’t even getting to second base on a date. ( I still have yet to really figure out what second base was/is – I just know, for certain, that that was not it). In fact, this is precisely the reason why I couldn’t stomach that scene in “A Joy Luck Club” where (SPOILER ALERT!!!) the father is consoling the daughter when she finds out that her mother has had twins long ago, and unbeknownst to her mother, they were not dead, and it was her duty as a daughter to go to China to meet these girls and tell them of their mother’s death. What’s up with all the hugs, and weepy weepy I love you’s? It doesn’t happen in any Chinese family that I’VE ever met.
So – needless to say- it’s caused a lot of confusion in my life. There is an inner push/pull in my desire for affection, and then my judgment of people who openly give it.

What’s so wrong with a guy kissing a girl on the street? (Who just so happens to have his tongue so far down her throat you’d think he was checking the contents of her stomach, and one hand nauseatingly grappling for some part of her body). We are repelled by it, but haven’t we all been in a situation where we longed to be in it? So oblivious to everyone around you that you only have hands…ere… eyes for the person you’re with?

MCsquared, being Chinese or American when it conveniently furthers his agenda, is decidedly traditional in this area. He’s extremely cordial in public. Won’t hold my hand, won’t give me a kiss. His claim to me is the ring I wear around my finger. Aside from that, we could be brother and sister for anyone knows/cares. I long for that open affection. The hand draped over my shoulder, careless brush of my hair out of my eyes, soft graze of the hand over mine… quote any equivalent harlequin novel’s description of a first “touch” and I’d thought about it with MCsquared 9 years into our marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. He is affectionate with me. All behind closed doors. All between him and me. In fact, if ever disputed, it could fall on a “he said she said” argument. I don’t think people have seen him affectionate with me, or if they have, it was a rarity. He’s happy with it that way. Usually, I’m content, because I’m pretty sure of how he feels about me, but when you’re sitting across a couple that has every appendage intertwined in some way, it’s hard to not wish that your husband would just hold your hand. I suppose, in the end, it’s not what you know about how your loved one feels about you, but it’s also about whether or not the world perceives that person to feel that way about you. To his credit, MCSquared has argued that he isn’t like that because, “It has been engrained in our psyche for generations upon generations to be THIS way.” Well, he’s also used that line on childrearing and laundry – so take that any way you will…

Traditional Chinese people do not have this belief. Traditional Chinese people that is. They believe that you should KNOW, and not be reminded. It should show through their actions, and not their words. But not in how they show you affection. Traditional Chinese people show their love in other ways. It is mostly through passive aggressive guilt. Okay, I may be a little jaded. But when a Chinese person says, “I do not beat yell at people I don’t care about” they mean it. Chinese people are incredibly polite to people they dislike. In fact, in Cantonese, there’s this saying, “Suy mut gum hock hay neh?” which translates to, “Why are you being so polite.” You usually say it when a friend thanks you for doing something for them, and you gently chide them for being so polite with you in thanking you. Because, close friends/family do not thank each other for things they are supposed to do for each other. But that’s an entirely different blog.

What I try to remember is - affection means different things to different people. For the most part, Americans are pretty affectionate. I have given my daughter affection, and so has her father. She is very Americanized that way. I think cultural practices should kind of survive according to Darwinism. If the cultural practice is stupid…I mean… weak, it should waste away by the roadside. Survival of the fittest cultural practice.

I have a funny feeling a whole bunch of Chinese people are gonna start hugging each other in public – very soon.

Gain control of your remote control

I'm not going to be writing about the handheld button thingy that controls the TV, although an entire blog can be written about that.

What I mean is, we often give people control over us without really relinquishing it. I call that remote controlling. You're controlled by a person (remotely if you will). Let me give you an example. Ever reach for that second helping, or a second cookie, or heck - a first cookie for that matter -and you look over at your mom - or your spouse, and they've got that look on their face. All of a sudden, you're putting that cookie down, you're putting that second helping down. Remote control.

Take it back. Take it back like you'd take back a remote control from a remote control hogger. Take it back like your life depended on it. Because- to a certain extent, it does.

I think we should be influenced, to a certain extent, by the people around us. I think influence is good. Asking for advice, giving advice... all good. In fact, there can't be good girlfriends without advice being shared and given. But that's not what remote control is about. Remote control is about the unwanted influence that a person has over you. You think it's all about the person that is remotely controlling you - but in reality - it's the receipt of that remote control.

That look that your mom or your spouse gives you. It means nothing to a friend, a stranger, anyone else for that matter. Because they see the look - but they receive it differently. You see the consequence of doing what you want, and often, its not worth the effort - because in the end, it'll be nagging, or snide comments, etc...
This isn't easy, but ignore it. Ignore that voice that tells you that you have to do what this person is passive aggressively telling you you should do. It's not easy, and heck - it can be going against everything you have learned as a kid, but - try it. Because if you do it enough - the person will come to realize that they cannot control you that way...

And then- the next step - slowly work on your receipt of people's words. By default, people often take ownership of someone else's feelings. If someone is quiet around you - you automatically ask, "are you angry with me?" or "did I do something wrong?" Mdeanwhile, it can have nothing to do with you. In fact, often enough - it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Society, however, fosters reading into someone's body language. Ellen DeGeneres did this whole thing on trying to convey to the person sitting behind you that they shouldn't be kicking your seat..

http://www.spike.com/video/ellen-degeneres-here/2483602

(its the last 20 seconds of the clip.

We all learn to read these social cues, and I guess they're great when it comes to interacting with people you don't know. But remote controllers use this to their advantage, and we're stuck.. Because even if we didn't grow up with this particular remote controller - it's usually pretty apparent what it is that they want the person to do - ultimately.

The point of my story is - you can point a remote control to a TV and click away- but if the TV is unplugged - it doesn't matter what the remote control does, what buttons it pushes... It won't work.

I'm striving to unplug where necessary. There aren't a lot of remote controllers in my life, but the ones that are there do a pretty good job remotely controlling me.

Now I just gotta learn how to unplug.

Kick the Bucket List...

I couldn't figure out what a bucket list was until I watched the movie aptly named the Bucket List.

*ding* - the light went off....

It's a list of things that we want to do before we kick the proverbial bucket. Things we want to do before we die. For a lot of people, this usually involves some height thing.. (bungee jumping off a bridge, sky diving, rock diving... sort of diving... Like that is really you looking death in the face...)

But more importantly, it's a motivational tool we use to make sure that we accomplish the things on the list because they represent the most important things we wanna do in our lives...

And most of them have nothing to do with the most important things in our lives...

Sigh. Well - I surveyed 4 out of 5 close friends/family members and asked them what they would like on their bucket list. Aside from the usual suspects on the list (sky diving, bungee jumping...) there was - travel to exotic places, do something related to an unrequited talent (i.e., try out for America's Got Talent, or a broadway show) or something involving money (i.e., spend it all)...

Pay in mind - this is not an all inclusive list of things everyone would want to do - but I thought it was pretty representative, so this is a blog in generalities (kinda like all my other blogs - so forgive the preaching if this doesn't apply to you...)

Here's the thing - the most important things that you want to do should involve the people you love the most in your life... and I don't mean bringing them with you to these exotic places or giving them a shoutout when you're on TV for America's Got Talent.

It's the kind word you keep neglecting to give your child. The phone call you're gonna give your mom that you haven't done. The words of affection to your significant other, the flowers to your wife just because. These mundane things that seem so easy to do everyday - and yet we neglect to do them everyday. Everyday can be cause for you to do a bucket list. Everday could be your last. So the exotic things would be nice, but I'm sure Madagascar will not miss you, but your parents, spouse or children will. I'm sure the earth won't care if you're not plummeting towards it at high speeds, but a friend would.

I'm just saying... why so grandiose bucket list? I'm sure there are a number of things you have weighing on your heart that involve the people you love the most (admit it to yourself or not..) Make that your dang bucket list - and make the other things just thing you'd like to do...

It would be nice if I could make it to Rome or Milan, but I definitely need to tell my mom how amazing a mom she is, before I die.

Now - if you'll excuse me now, I'm gonna call my mom.

Party line isn't online....

Online dating has really evolved since it first presented itself oh so many years ago. When online dating first came on, it was for people who were too insecure to see someone face to face to have a relationship, or for those predators you see on Dateline's "To catch a predator" types.

But today, it is so commonplace. It is the subject of movies, of blogs, of weddings, etc... (I know two people who married from online matches, and a lot more who are currently dating...)...

To a certain extent, society still holds that stigma. I noticed that people are shy to acknowledge, right off the bat, that they met their significant other on match.com, or cupid.com or some other such online matching website... but 3 out of 5 of my friends have been on one of these sights to find a relationship.

There have been a number of duds, even amongst my friends. I think my favorite was when a friend of mine went on her first meet after a couple of weeks of online talking, only to be told, "I just want to be up front that I would absolutely be alright if this was a completely sexual relationship." My friend pretended not to understand, scarfed down her food, and got out as quick as she could.

But let's compare all of this online dating to the blind date. How is online dating not up to par as compared to blind dating. Most of the time, a blind date comes from someone you know. Now - sometimes, you know this person very well, and other times you barely know the person, but you kind of like them, and you're thinking - well - they're kind of cool- and birds of a feather... whereas online dating, you depend on the answers answered by the other person, and a computer matches the amount of things that match, and boom. Match. (at least that's what I heard...)

But think about it - how often do we tell our friends what we're looking for in a relationship - that isn't purely superficial? And what of co-workers, parents, and office mates? They have no more divine insight to what is good for you in a relationship than whether or not they know what kind of cream cheese you want on your bagel. Its hard to really convey what you want in a guy... So -you stick to the superficial, and believe you me, handsome means so may different things to so many different people.

As opposed to online dating. Most of the time you fill out a questionaire (which I've heard is grueling with Match.com... like taking the bar, or SATs all over again...) Then there is what is believed as some sort of representation of how they look. You pray that its accurate, but would you have been better off with a description from your friend about a blind date? Oh - he's about 5'10" dark complexion, brown hair, young looking...

But online, you have a picture... so the jig is up relatively quickly as to looks after you meet the person. Online, you have one on one acces to the person, without a third person interpreter, somewhat akin to the game "telephone" giving you the messages..

And then, after all this vetting, you get to decide in the end whether or not you want to see this person. And no one is hurt. If things don't work out - I'm sure match.com or the ISP provider isn't going to feel awkward in front of you and perhaps even not talk to you, or worse, judge you for not liking their friend. Like it was an absolute choice you could make.

Online, you can specify ethnic background and understanding. There are online dating sights for every race and ethnic background in the book. Blind dating only has a representation in a description by a friend who may or may not remember who they are. there may never be an issue with your parents EVER AGAIN about dating outside your race!

I'm not advocating one over the other, I'm just saying that online dating should not be as taboo as it was... I don't think its that bad anymore (predator-wise) and if you're not meeting people in your area, then why not -eh?

So - give online dating a go. Its scary, its crazy, its an endless pool of opportunity... and it should be.

And that means you Luscious.

A friend is a friend- that's what a friend is...

You know - I've been thinking about friendships. Friendships are funny. I had a friend recently, we'll call her Lily, who was contacted by someone who wanted to amend their friendship that had gone sour. It got me to thinking about frienships...

When you're a kid, friends are easy to make. As a toddler, all you care about is that some other toddler doesn't grab the toy you want, and doesn't get in your way. I see it in my baby girl. She's wholly devoted to getting what she wants out of life, and by golly, if she has to pull chunks of hair out of an unsuspecting little boy to get to it - that is what she'll do.

As we get older, it starts to matter if people want to be friends with us. Threats like, "I'm not going to be your friend friend" start to matter... people have more of a stronghold on you than you would care to admit.

And we are pretty much in this state of affairs until we've either matured enough not to care, I mean, REALLY not to care, not some hormonally charged teenager's flippant version of "I don't care" when its clear they DO care, care, or we continue in this state in perpetuum.

We move on when we stop caring about whether or not we impress, both new and existing friends. Truth is - that doesn't happen in all circles. There will always be a person that matters whether or not they are your friend.. But for the most part, friendships, good or bad, are established. New friendships are good, are important, but its no longer life or death if someone decides they don't want to be your friend.

But - what do you do when a relationship fizzles? Not - a boy girl relationship, but a friendship relationship?

I think there is always a period of mourning. I think there is a moment when you discover, for whatever reasons, the relationship is over. The more important this friend is to you - the longer the mourning period. I also believe that there are those friendships that end - but it doesn't end. The relationship is clearly over, but there is always something that is unresolved... And as a result the friendship is over, but its not. Those are the friends you stalk on facebook even though you haven't spoken to them or contacted them in years..

Then there are those friendships that have a natural end to them, and neither party even thinks on the other.. Maybe mentioning the person will make you think about them - but that's it.

Friendships are complicated... as I wrote to Lily, because people are complicated. We expect romantic relationship to be complicated, but friendships to be simple... But its not that simple. Sometimes the most important relationship you have is not with someone you're romantically connected to...

I mean - where do the lines, "Bro's before ho's come from? Or "Chicks before Dicks?" Although they aren't the best articulated lines in the world, it comes from a deep rooted understanding that romantic relationships come and go - and frienships usually outlast them...

Which is true. But not all friendships evolve with you - or are meant to outlast anything...

I guess my point is - friendships are supposed to be easy. Its not that its supposed to be uncomplicated, but the friendship aspect of it should be easy. If you fight, making up should be easy. Talking should be easy. Laughing together, crying together should be easy... Any friendship that makes it hard is not worth the effort.

Sure - your friends are entitled to your loyalty. But it should BE from somewhere, and not just because - by happenstance, when you guys were kids you just rode the bus next to each other. The number of years that you are friends does not determine loyalty - as so many people confuse it to be. It should be level of ease at being friends.. Not being judged, not made to feel badly for ourselves. We have way too many people putting us down - ourselves included - that we don't need friends to do it to us.

So - Lily - my advice to you is - until that friendship is easier, don't worry about it.. If it was meant to be a friendship -it will work itself out..

Hoopers vs. Phillips

Ocean City Maryland boasts a restaurant named Hoopers and Phillips. Both are amazing, both are always packed during the season, and both are a staple - and should be tried.

Hoopers offers an all you can eat menu of crabs. It has an assortment of other things on the menu as well - hush puppies, fried chicken, etc... but its delicious. I go there everytime I hit Ocean City MD. The only issue is the wait. Usually - if you go "late" - around 6:00pm or later, there is an hour wait. That is the only thing that is difficult, and it doesn't take reservations.

Phillips is an all you can eat buffet of things. It isn't that great, but it is great to have a variety of foods, and not just crab to eat.

The only other horrible thing is that you have to wait on line outside. There is a side for all you can eat buffet, and another for just dining... I've never known of another side of the restaurant where there is nothing but dining - and not buffet, but there supposedly is.

Hoopers is GREAT!! and so is Phillips.. and definitely must dos if you're ever in Ocean City, MD...

Basic Instincts

I've been carefully watching my kid lately - and I realized something.

She's got amazing instincts. If she doesn't like someone, you know it. If she doesn't want to do something, she'll say it. If she is scared, she'll run to me to be held. If she's climbing and is getting scared, she asks for help. She'll laugh when she's happy, cry when she's sad. Tell me exactly what she wants when she wants it- and give me hugs and kisses when she wants to.

We spend all this time trying to break our kids of these habits (if she's scared I encourage her to keep going!! Work through your fear! You can do more! If she doesn't want to kiss me - I bribe her to get a kiss. She tells me what she wants, and I tell her she can't have what she wants when she wants it...) and then we spend a good lifetime trying to relearn what we were taught to suppress and oppress.

By nature, we are selfish creatures - who know what we want. It is beaten out of us, because society teaches us to be self-less and to think for others before we think of ourselves.

And then - when we get older, and find ourselves lost... the one thing we have to relearn is to ask ourselves what it is exactly we want, because we forget to assert ourselves. True - we have to be taught to assert ourselves in less of a juvenile way than our kids do - but in the end, we should KNOW what we want... and I find, in conditioning us to conform - we forget. In fact, I think its the oppression of this "selfishness" if you will - that gets us into trouble.

So - that's why I think - we should trust the basic instinct that you feel. Its often referred to as your "gut instinct" - and sometimes other people refer to it as your "first reaction", but its what you're born with..

Otherwise, you'll forget how to listen to yourself - and then spend a lifetime chasing it down - trying to find it again...

Not IRA - VRA!

Okay. So - I just read Twilight written by Stephenie (sp?) Meyers. It inspired that movie with that delicious lead actor playing the role of Edward. (Robert Pattinson - I had to look it up).

I didn't want to read it. I mean - I wrote an entire blog about how romantic chick flicks (derived mostly from romantic chick books - like this one) are the worst things that can ever happened to women, yada yada yada...

So - Kitty gets me to read this book. She's very similar to me in situation and circumstance, so - I figure - okay - lemme read it just to reaffirm how much I'm right about this book being what we women don't need it to be. Another book that gives pre-women (afterall - the target audience for this book is 12-16) the impression that this sensitive caring man (worse - a VAMPIRE) is out there to save them from themselves, and love them unconditionally.

And I was absolutely right. The writing was mediocre. The description of the desire Edward felt for Bella and visa versa, too much about rage than about passion...

And I couldn't put the daggone book down.

What the heck is wrong with me? Aside from the fact that I love chick flicks - despite my protests, and I'm not normally a literary snob - especially since I can barely read.

So - rather than just appreciate a good thing (the book is actually extremely consuming... and, as Kitty argued, it sucks you in and draws you into the plot until you're ignoring people, places and things around you that are important... (and it happened to me - like Tuesday follows Monday -she was totally right about my reaction to the book) I tried to analyze why I was so drawn into it.

It boils down to three things. Vulnerability, reassurance, and appreciation. (The V to the R to the A.... what can I say - I'm an 80's kid...)

Okay - for those of you who don't know the plot - or did not read the book or watch the movie, stop now if you want to - because this is a complete spoiler alert...

******* I warned you ************


Vulnerability
The book is good because the hero and heroine are extemely vulnerable to each other - and it is apparent that this is not a characteristic of either of them. They are introverted... and yet - because of their newfound love for one another - it leaves them vulnerable to each other completely, and they seek each other out. They wear their love for each other on their sleeves (whatever that means.. I never really got that saying... what I mean to say is openly). And - this vulnerability can never be quashed because of their circumstance.

Reassurance.
I'm talking about a reassurance of his love for her and a reassurance of her love for him. Edward is a vampire, and Bella isn't. He is always attracted to the smell of her blood, but there is something about Bella that he cannot explain that makes him want to be near her - rather than shun her as he's done all the other humans in this town. He's taken on a 'vegetarian' diet -which means - he doesn't feed on humans, but on animals - because of a higher conscience, but it doesn't mean that he is not drawn to human blood. Therein lies the dilemna. He is a constant danger to Bella because at any point -his willpower is the only thing holding him back from the frenzy of wanting to suck the blood out of her - and she is allowing herself to be in constant danger of that. Everytime they are with each other, and it is painstakingly reinforced over and over and over again in the book - they reassure each other, just by their presence, and the danger that is tied to it, how much they love each other. So - there is never a doubt, never a question. There is a constant push (because of the danger) and a pull - because of the love. So- as a woman - who's usual complaint is not really knowing whether or not her man still loves her - we eat this stuff up.

Appreciation
Finally - there is appreciation. Neither of them take each other for granted, because their relationship is so tenuous. Their relationship is held together by the strong - but very tested - bond of love. Because of the constant reassurance of that love, neither of them takes each other for granted (which is also painstakingly reinforced over and over and over again... sigh).. because they know that it is because they love each other so much that they are together - so - no moment is wasted, no time is wasted... Every word, every touch, every breathe is cherished. (usually - I barf here - but the bizarre set of circumstances in this book makes it work.)

So - to parallel that in our lives, once the beginning of the relationship (the honeymoon phase - if you will) is over in a relationship - we (the two people in the relationship) rarely are vulnerable to each other again, we do not reaffirm how we feel ever day, and there is little - if not any appreciation. On both parts. I don't think this is a complete woman thing. I just think that as a relationship progresses, this is how it goes.

And reality is, there are less than wonderful moments between Edward and Bella, and if it were not written as fleeting, but actually occurring in our lives, we wouldn't look too kindly on it. For example, waiting days to see him, would have KILLED me if I were 17. I would have simply said - this is not the guy for me- and moved on. But what makes their love so unmistakable (sp?) is that despite all these hiccups, they still hold out for each other, openly, palms up.

So - I suppose the reason why I loved the book so much was getting a taste of what I want/still need from my man. Its true - he's pretty good with stuff like that usually - even though he's an asian man - he's a bit of a machisimo macho man.. but - he still finds his ways.

I suppose, living through this book, is one way to get your jollies.. (like I am right now). But - you can probably get your own Twilight saga if you take those small moments of vulnerability, reaffirmation and appreciation, and blow them up the way the book does - when it comes to romantic moments in your own life. They may not happen often, but when they do - make a huge a$$ deal about it.

And luscious, that's not homework.

Get the seat!! Don't hesitate! Just get it!!

Okay - if I have any advice for mothers of kids walking age and over (relative to whatever your child's walking age ends up being, early or late) get the extra seat for them on the plane. If you can afford it - get it. If you can't afford it- get it and leave your husband at home.

And - here is the piece de resistance, bring your car seat, and strap em into it on the plane.. and they will think they are in their car seat (because they are.. duh)...

So - even if your kid isn't a great traveler, at least you know that you'll get some time - because they're used to riding around in their car seat...

And depending on how far the plane ride is - it is worth every second of quiet time you can get out of it...

Oh - and welcome back me from vacation....

I'm crying inside. I had such a good time...

My share, you share, we all share - a TIMESHARE!

Okay - in my personal humble opinion, timeshares suck major balls.

I own one, and I feel that I have a right to comment on how sucky suck-ola they are.

I am on vacation now. Surprisingly enough - I'm using my timeshare. I haven't used this timeshare in almost 8 years. In the years I don't use it, it sits there, wasting and draining money from me like a second child, while I cannot control its ever growing need of my money. In other, luckier years, my family members have used it.

I "bought" this timeshare in 1998, fresh out of college, fresh - and too green to understand that the letter I received in the mail was not a free and/or lowly costing vacation to Orlando and then the Bahamas (Newport - if you've ever been there - it barren - save one Casino... well - at least it was in '98), NNOOO - it was a horrible solicitation letter for me to go on a timeshare. Already - the relationship is ruined. When a relationship must be gained through deceit (albeit - I was too dumb to realize that this was an all too familiar way to sucker newbies like me into timeshares...) it is no relationship at all.

Needless to say - for whatever reasons, I bought the dang thing. (A result of some asian martyrdom - don't ask) and over 10 years later, I still have the thing...

So - finally - I decide to come. I arrive, and all the money they suck from my checking account annually has really changed the facility. There are a lot more people, there are more activities, it is starting to really resemble a resort. I go in to check in - my room is not ready.. Okay.. I can overlook that.. But then - to check in - I have to go to guest services...

Oh goodness.. Its going to be bad.

And it was. For about 15 minutes, someone telling me that I had to go to an "ownership update" meeting. Turns out - if you read the documentation - which 3 years of lawschool has taught me - it is a solicitation. Oh for frick's sake. Can't I get even settled into the room before someone accosts me and tries to sell me something.

I was here 7 years ago, and there is such distrust for the management of this place that I warned my sister (who I came with) not to touch ANYTHING - even the things that were complimentary. Who knows where they'll charge us for stuff... as was - I was freaking paying $100 extra for gosh knew what... To this day- I STILL don't know)

Regardless, it left a sour taste in my mouth. So - when I was told - to go to this "ownership update" I simply said - "What will happen if I don't go?" - and apparently - that lavish discount deal on local attraction tickets they can provide me (which were ultimate about $20 cheaper than another online site we found for the same local attraction tix,) would be unavailable to me. They even had me sign something which said I MUST go. HELL NO - WE WON'T GO!

So - I wrote in my own clause that said, "upon verification" next to the "must." Needless to say - this got the sales rep VERY antsy.

So -I had to come back - since my room wasn't yet ready (an hour before check in time - so okay - wutever) and we go off to do some well deserved shopping.

We get back to the resort to check in (which was assured to me to be some simple key card pick up) - and so I send my husband in there - we'll call him Mr. China Chink (MC squared for short - I'll admit - I made that up so that I could get MC squared) went in to get it. He was in there for 5 minutes... 10 minutes... 15 minutes.. what the heck!!?!?

Then through the window - I see MCsquared - MY MCsquared sitting there with THE SAME GUEST SERVICES AGENT!! Wut the frick?

So - I call - and say - What's going on. He says, "nothing. Oh I'm in the middle of something here." Oh IS he?

Then another 5 minutes go by - and the baby comes to the rescue and poops in her pants. I call back, "get out here! The baby pooped in her pants!" "Ok," comes the reply.

Another 5 minutes, and now I'm fuming. Finally - MCsquared gets into the car, and says, "I had to go to guest services to pick up the key cards to the room." I'm like - WTF?!?!

Okay - yet another lie in our "relationship." Simply pick up the cards they say...

So - apparently - Sales woman was trying to sell MCsquared on the cheap tix idea. Being that MCsquared has found his new found inner frugal master - he listened.. and then tried to get me to do it.

But - what gets me - and the climax of my story was, MCsquared said that the guest services lady said my contract required that I attend these ownership meetings, annually.

WHAT THE F-U-C-SQUARED!!

Okay - now that I'm a lawyer - and not so easily scared (no - I didn't say fooled because 3 years of school didn't make me smarter, it just made me realize that there is nothing in a contract that cannot be litigated...)

I was like - okay:
1. I don't even COME TO THIS FREAKIN TIMESHARE ANNUALLY!!
2. There are two owners on this timeshare - are we BOTH obligated to come? If not - can I call dibbs and make the OTHER owner the obligated one?
3. What if I show up to your "ownership meeting" with a plaque around my neck which reads - I hate this place, and I want to sell it to one of you people here..
4. Where, oh where EXACTLY does it say that in my contract. Let me read it - and interpret it differently than YOU DO....

I was pissed. So then I started calling other friends who have timeshares. Were you ever accosted. Yes. all the time. I just ignore them. Yes - why of course - which is why we unplug the phone when we get there.. We just use our cell phones. Yes - but don't worry - you can usually bully them into leaving you alone.

This is the BIGGEST KEPT SECRET IN THE WORLD. If you buy a timeshare - it will be one big solicitation after another when you go to your timeshare.

I hear there are some amazing exceptions (which I won't promote here - because I fully intent to sell this g*dforsaken place - and pretend that it is one such timeshare) - but oh -do not be mistaken. I will rid myself of this boil..

even if I have to poo it. Yes Luscious... I said pop - in connection with ooze and puss.

sigh.

since I'm still here - the venom is still pretty wicked.

Well - now that that's off my chest - I'm off to enjoy the rest of my vacation.

P.S. - I'm on vacation - I'm not re-reading this to make sure it makes sense, or that I spelled things correctly - so apologies if I did.
P.P.S. - I will most likely not blog for the rest of the week - because - well - I'm on vacation - and.... MCsquared will only let me use his computer if I beg...

And I only beg when I'm desperate....

:)

Boys vs. Girls

I had dinner with a bunch of friends today- and yet again- the topic of "Dating in the Dark" came up - but only because in this particular episode, a slightly overweight girl was matched up to a hairline receding guy - who was - for all intents and purposes - better looking (in the conventional way) than she was.

After the big reveal, he said that he would go on a date with her, even though she wasn't his ideal type. The girl, on the other hand, decided that she couldn't do it - because his hairline was receding.

So - one person at the dinner, we'll call him Rocker, basically said she rejected him because she knew he'd eventually reject her, and that she needed to reject him first, to save herself the heartache.

Luscious didn't agree... She said, what makes you think that the girl really didn't like the guy? She could have just been unattracted to him simply because the guy didn't have hair. Sure, the guy was hotter, but maybe her thing was hair, and the idea of the guy losing it, perhaps, disgusted her to a point beyond being able to overlook it in light of his current hotness. She further emphasized that - if it was a guy rejecting this girl based solely on thickness of hair - it wouldn't be such a shocker (i.e., she wasn't skinny enough, she wasn't tall enough, boobs weren't big enough, but butt, etc...) but if a girl decides to be a bit shallow - that's unthinkable.

Rocker said yes. Perhaps it wasn't unthinkable - but it was unlikely.

And I'd have to say I agree with him.

We, as girls, are taught from a young age that as long as we are beautiful, thin, and not necessarily intelligent (after all, how smart do you have to be to be a princess, who just waits around to be rescued by a prince ... ) and compliant to men (it would help if you could communicate with animals - but - whatever) Prince charming will come - rescue you - and all your dreams will come true. Truth be told - he could look like anything. He could even look like a beast, but seek inner beauty - and (like a broken record) all your dreams will come true.

What equivalent boy movie has a guy falling for a girl's "inner beauty?" No Beauty and the Beast equivalent here. Boys are basically given a "what you see is what you get" kind of presentation. But - if the boys were to watch the same exact princess (take any Disney princess movie) that girls watched, the "what you see is what you get" presentation is a gorgeous, often slim, often wide eyed, often long locked, sweet, thoughtful, cater to your every whim girl.

Where ARE these girls - because - seriously I don't know any.

But more importantly, boys aren't taught that all their dreams will come true when they become prince charming to some princess. They're taught to be super heroes, or action heroes, or some type of hero. Prince doesn't equal Hero. Hero saves, and then goes away. There's no commitment. But - a prince?!? A prince will meet the princess, marry - and eventually become king and queen of whatever land, and that's how all the dreams come true (for the princess). Who knew that the prince might potentially dump you if you gain a few too many pounds, get too old, or cut your hair.

But - I agreed with Rocker because men and women are inherently different because of this terrible start they get. But more importantly - girls believe that what they see is just a slightly less polished version of what they could potentially have. They see potential, they see projects.. Men on the otherhand see it all. And then they decide whether or not sex with you (or a relationship - yada yada yada) is worth all the other crap and baggage that the woman might come with, rather than scheme a way of trying to fix it, or make it better (like women often do).

I don't think this is necessarily applicable in every situation - but in most situations - I do. I think women are becoming more and more like men, in that, with the new sexual revolution, women have now decided for themselves they could be just as shallow as men, and that's great.

Which brings me to my point. We can all be shallow if we really want to be. Okay - that isn't my point at all. My point is - I'm going to teach my baby girl (and I hope other people teach their baby girls this too - but its not homework) that all her dreams CAN come true, as long as she decides to make that happen, and that she see the guy she wants to be for what he is - and then decide whether or not A RELATIONSHIP (as my daughter will maintain her purity until after she's married and has had at least 4, no 5 kids...)with the guy is worth all the other crap and baggage that he might come with... and know that she has no control over whether all the things she does or doesn't like change.

But I'm still going to dress her up in pretty little clothes, because some differences should stay as they are...

Losing face on facebook

Facebook is all about connecting to people, socializing, meeting up with old friends online, and all that good stuff...

So - why was it so heartwrenchingly heartbreaking when I was recently blocked by a friend, who accepted my invitation to be a friend, and then suddenly wasn't my friend, but also went on to BLOCK ME?!?

Blocking someone on facebook is equivalent to saying to that person, "Oh - I'm sorry - you have something akin to the online bubonic plague - and there is no way I want to be associated with you - or have you be able to locate me, see me, find me, contact me, and dump me as a friend - because I dumped you first (I'll admit, that one is the hardest one to take... I don't like being the dumpee... but that's an entirely different blog all together...) It's WAYYY worse than Rachel Adams was in Mean Girls. (I don't always live my life vicariously through "chick flicks" only...although - one could argue...)

Anyhoo, this person has recently contacted me again to ask me to be a friend, or as it is commonly referred to on Facebook, this person has tried to "friend" me, again.

I'm hurt. I have to admit it. It seems a stupid thing, but I feel absolutely like I was dumped, without all the closure that comes from actually being dumped face to face, and then - I am asked to be their friend again? What should I do?

In this regard, the internet social world is tough to deal with. I was brought up to confront pepole face to face when I had an issue with them. The most avoidance I did, was perhaps, leave a bar of soap on the desk of a co-worker who smelled like they didn't shower... Believe me - I felt terrible about it - fessed up to it - and the person - I'd like to report, never changed, and continued to stink... But - at least I was true to myself. (needless to say, we are no longer friends.)

But this is the world I grew up in. People, talking to people, face to face. Even telephone break ups were shunned. "You broke up with (insert person's name) over the phone!?!? *gasp* THAT IS TERRIBLE!" But now, in cyberland, you might not even KNOW that someone broke up with you - unless you were looking for it. Which is basically, primarily (phrase I cannot live without) what happened to me.

I have to admit, this has really marred the way I feel about facebook, and it has made me not want to facebook much at all. I've not visited the webpage as much as I used to - and "needing to know" is now replaced with, if I need to know - I'll just give the person a call, rather than secretly stalk them on facebook. Which, up until now - I now.

So - I thank this person actually (who I have since "friended" and not mentioned anything about the blocking to) because I've decided that this incident has taught me to spend less time online, and more time actually HANGING with my friends.

Guilty as charged..

I am a working mother. So - that in it of itself is preloaded with guilt. There are about 40 hours a week (give or take) that your child is in someone else's care. You only have about 2-3 real hours with your kid each work day, 2-3 hours of which are spent tending to very basic needs, like feeding them (and all the preparation that entails), bathing them, and then putting them to bed-all while trying to get in quality parenting time.

So - the only time you really have with your kid is the weekend. My husband gets up in the morning to get my kid, because I am the one who brings her to daycare and back. So - Saturday and Sundays I get to "sleep in" - which means - usually until 8:00-8:30am.

Today - I got up - was going to do our usual routine on Sundays, but was too busy trying to get everything prepared (meaning clothes) for a trip we are about to take. So - I'm folding, putting things away, and although my kid wants to hang out with me, I ask her father to take her while I do these household chores - in front of the TV, more specifically, in front of an on-demand movie that I started, which is about two hours long.

I justified in my head that I could pause the movie at any moment, and that would be alright, so if I was needed at all- I could simply pause the movie and go when she wanted me to go. But - there I was, barely folding the clothes, barely putting them away... and my baby was downstairs with her dad, not asking for me - but not with me.

Which should be fine. But - I just missed out of two hours with my kid... Just because I wanted to watch this movie, which I could have watched at any point in time because this was freakin ON DEMAND!!

So -of course, the guilt set in. I felt guilty that I wasn't with my kid at every point of the weekend when I have her. It's bad enough that when I bring her home with me on the weekdays, most of that time she spends in front of the TV, as I am (insert some daily chore). True - I usually spend a good hour in the park - so that we have some fun time, but after we get home, it's TV - and I get all the chores done, and get the food prepared, etc...

I feel tremendously guilty about not being completely wrapped up in my kid on the weekends, when it's parent time, and she's with me those 8 hours she might would otherwise be with someone else on the weekeday... She's such a good kid, and she's incredibly happy, but the guilt sets in.

I completely understand why parents go and buy everything the child even looks at. For a moment, I had that pang of "what do I do to make this up to her - she's amazing" guilt in my heart. I thought, "what could I BUY her?"

And then I suppressed that thought. The only thing that I could give her - that was the best thing ever-was my undivided attention for the rest of the day. I didn't buy her anything. I went to the pool with her and we played, and we swam, and she was my number one, and I was hers.

I think - we're human. Juggling between work, household chores (I have someone come and help me every two weeks, but I still do a majority of the day to day upkeep), being a wife, and being a devoted mom, it's hard to forgive yourself when you're not one of those things.

I go out at least once a week to regroup and be me. Which exacerbates my guilt - because I already have "down time." Taking another 2 hours of downtime during my weekend time with her is just downright terrible.

And the shame associated with the guilt is just as terrible. The guilt is there because I didn't spend the time with her, but the subsequent shame it brings - "I'm a bad mother" - is like a terrible ringing in my ears. Not only did I lose the time, but inherent in that is - I chose a TV program over my child, and therefore, I'm a terrible mother.

In the end, I suppose, I'm just saying, we, as mothers, and fathers (although - I am not sure that fathers feel it quite as acutely as mothers do) - we should be able to forgive ourselves from the things we think we are doing wrong when raising our kids (unless you are beating your kid, or otherwise abusing them. In that case, you shouldn't forgive yourself, and no one should forgive you either...) But - if something grabs your attention, and it's not your kid, and you don't spend every waking moment teaching them something, or doting on them, or holding them, or kissing them, it's okay. You're not a bad parent. And by golly, do not start buying these kids stuff to assuage your guilt... because then you really are moving into the area of bad parenting that might require some shame-association.

Just recognize that you're human... Recognize that your child will most likely be alright if you missed them for another 2 hours. Forgive yourself, and don't overly dote on them afterwards.. Kids pick up on that stuff quick... and where nothing was on their radar as being wrong before, all of a sudden, SOMETHING is on their radar, and they will use you right quick in the future to get them whatever they want. It'll create in them the sense of entitlement that we don't want or need in our kids today.

I don't really know how to do this... I struggle with it every day.. I just hope that knowing there are other people that feel this way out there makes it easier to bare the guilt and the shame - without giving into it.

Sleeping early

Okay - I had every intention of sleeping early.

I know this happens with everyone-I KNOW it does. You have every intention of sleeping early -and then - all of a sudden, you're up until - wayyy past what you want to be up - and I blame it on the following 10 things:

1. being forced to go to bed early as a kid, and staying up late was a treat,
2. America's Funniest Home Video
3. Good movies starting at 8:00pm.
4. A TV in the bedroom (move it out of the bedroom)
5. Falling asleep on the couch.
6. Showers before bedtime.
7. A good book.
8. The end of a good book.
9. Any Jane Austen book made into a movie.
10. Booze with friends.

And blogging. So -for tonight - I sign off early - so that I can sleep (later than the time I wanted to...)

Leverage

I am a married woman, and I go out with men, alone, aside from my husband. I’m also a big flirt. Is that wrong?

My husband has known this about my personality for quite some time. I treat men and women the same, same flirty nature with them, so even though its been told to me that there is a significant difference between the way the people receive my flirty-ness, I don’t think that’s true. And I still go out with men on my own. I’ve curtailed it a lot since we were dating, and I always make sure I mention my husband and talk about him with these men to make sure that nothing weird comes out of it…

But – I’ve decided that it IS wrong.

There are a lot of fiercely independent, and not so fiercely independent, women who would absolutely disagree with me. You are doing nothing wrong. Your husband knew that you were a very social person, and amongst those you socialize with – there are men, and they’re just friends and that’s it. Nothing will happen.

But that’s it isn’t it. How do you know nothing will happen? You ask the however many million people who have cheated on their significant others whether or not they ever went into an affair actually knowing that they were going to start an affair? Most of the time – they are just two people with two very important things present: Opportunity and convenience.

My therapist told me that those are usually the two things that are necessary to have an affair, and how most affairs start. It doesn’t necessarily have to be this secret, incognito, double-oh seven-type event. Most people do not walk out of the house with a whole different outfit and wig in their bag that they can slip on at the local gas station. It can be as simple as a dinner. Two people of the opposite sex complaining about what is wrong in their lives… Perhaps getting the sort of attention they need from their loved one at home – from this friend. This sort of slippery slope is what is wrong.

Don’t let it happen to you, if you’re there.

Women argue – it won’t. It won’t happen. When pressed – “why won’t it happen?” arguments like – “do you really think I’m THAT kind of woman!” come out – but the answer to the question doesn’t. We are intelligent women. If a man is going out with a hottie chick one on one – and her breasts are falling out of her shirt, and your man says, “I won’t cheat – because it just won’t happen” and “do you really think I’m THAT kind of man!” Are these arguments that won’t give us pause?

Another one of my favorites is, “If you trust me, this wouldn’t even be an argument.” Is it about trust? I trust that you’re a good driver, but does that mean you’ll never be involved in a car accident? No. Because – it’s not about you, or the circumstances you can control – it’s about the circumstances you can’t control. And sometimes, it’s the impulsiveness that arises out of hurt and loneliness, or alcohol. It is those unforeseen circumstances… things out of the person’s control – that are so important. Not that you don’t trust the person. It’s not about trusting the person to stop what is happening, it is stopping the opportunity and convenience of it happening from happening. Because no one knows – no one REALLY knows. If they did – this wouldn’t happen quite as often as it does.

I realized, that for my life, I was using it as leverage. My husband does things I don’t like. And he chooses to continue to do them. So- my question became, well then, why couldn’t I choose this one thing to do – that I know he doesn’t like me to do – and just do it. Leverage this to see if I could get him to realize what he was doing, and the impact it was having on me – because he refused to see that what his actions are doing to me.

But – that’s a dangerous game, and one that I cannot afford to lose.

I suspect a lot of women use it as leverage – to “get back” at their men. Going out with other men, on a small level, when you KNOW your husband/boyfriend is not happy about it says something to them. Its funny how women will say, “if you know it makes me unhappy – you shouldn’t do it.” But – I’ve seen these women often argue when confronted with the same question. If you know if hurts your man, why do it?

Often, we women use it to “teach them a lesson.” Sure – we may hide it. I hid it. I said, “No – it is about living an independent lifestyle. It is about maintaining who I am, and what I am about. It is about living my life the way I’ve always lived it.” But – I’m not an independent anymore, who can live their lives without consequence to my husband. And neither can any woman who truly cares about a man—who truly cares about them going out with other men. In the end, for me, it was to maintain some sort of semblance of my “pre-husband” self. But – I am not my pre-husband-self, and hopefully – I never will be again.

So – I decided to get out of the game. This is no the kind of leverage I’m willing to use anymore. Because – if I lose – I lose it all.

And for me, its not worth it. Is it worth it to you?