My share, you share, we all share - a TIMESHARE!

Okay - in my personal humble opinion, timeshares suck major balls.

I own one, and I feel that I have a right to comment on how sucky suck-ola they are.

I am on vacation now. Surprisingly enough - I'm using my timeshare. I haven't used this timeshare in almost 8 years. In the years I don't use it, it sits there, wasting and draining money from me like a second child, while I cannot control its ever growing need of my money. In other, luckier years, my family members have used it.

I "bought" this timeshare in 1998, fresh out of college, fresh - and too green to understand that the letter I received in the mail was not a free and/or lowly costing vacation to Orlando and then the Bahamas (Newport - if you've ever been there - it barren - save one Casino... well - at least it was in '98), NNOOO - it was a horrible solicitation letter for me to go on a timeshare. Already - the relationship is ruined. When a relationship must be gained through deceit (albeit - I was too dumb to realize that this was an all too familiar way to sucker newbies like me into timeshares...) it is no relationship at all.

Needless to say - for whatever reasons, I bought the dang thing. (A result of some asian martyrdom - don't ask) and over 10 years later, I still have the thing...

So - finally - I decide to come. I arrive, and all the money they suck from my checking account annually has really changed the facility. There are a lot more people, there are more activities, it is starting to really resemble a resort. I go in to check in - my room is not ready.. Okay.. I can overlook that.. But then - to check in - I have to go to guest services...

Oh goodness.. Its going to be bad.

And it was. For about 15 minutes, someone telling me that I had to go to an "ownership update" meeting. Turns out - if you read the documentation - which 3 years of lawschool has taught me - it is a solicitation. Oh for frick's sake. Can't I get even settled into the room before someone accosts me and tries to sell me something.

I was here 7 years ago, and there is such distrust for the management of this place that I warned my sister (who I came with) not to touch ANYTHING - even the things that were complimentary. Who knows where they'll charge us for stuff... as was - I was freaking paying $100 extra for gosh knew what... To this day- I STILL don't know)

Regardless, it left a sour taste in my mouth. So - when I was told - to go to this "ownership update" I simply said - "What will happen if I don't go?" - and apparently - that lavish discount deal on local attraction tickets they can provide me (which were ultimate about $20 cheaper than another online site we found for the same local attraction tix,) would be unavailable to me. They even had me sign something which said I MUST go. HELL NO - WE WON'T GO!

So - I wrote in my own clause that said, "upon verification" next to the "must." Needless to say - this got the sales rep VERY antsy.

So -I had to come back - since my room wasn't yet ready (an hour before check in time - so okay - wutever) and we go off to do some well deserved shopping.

We get back to the resort to check in (which was assured to me to be some simple key card pick up) - and so I send my husband in there - we'll call him Mr. China Chink (MC squared for short - I'll admit - I made that up so that I could get MC squared) went in to get it. He was in there for 5 minutes... 10 minutes... 15 minutes.. what the heck!!?!?

Then through the window - I see MCsquared - MY MCsquared sitting there with THE SAME GUEST SERVICES AGENT!! Wut the frick?

So - I call - and say - What's going on. He says, "nothing. Oh I'm in the middle of something here." Oh IS he?

Then another 5 minutes go by - and the baby comes to the rescue and poops in her pants. I call back, "get out here! The baby pooped in her pants!" "Ok," comes the reply.

Another 5 minutes, and now I'm fuming. Finally - MCsquared gets into the car, and says, "I had to go to guest services to pick up the key cards to the room." I'm like - WTF?!?!

Okay - yet another lie in our "relationship." Simply pick up the cards they say...

So - apparently - Sales woman was trying to sell MCsquared on the cheap tix idea. Being that MCsquared has found his new found inner frugal master - he listened.. and then tried to get me to do it.

But - what gets me - and the climax of my story was, MCsquared said that the guest services lady said my contract required that I attend these ownership meetings, annually.

WHAT THE F-U-C-SQUARED!!

Okay - now that I'm a lawyer - and not so easily scared (no - I didn't say fooled because 3 years of school didn't make me smarter, it just made me realize that there is nothing in a contract that cannot be litigated...)

I was like - okay:
1. I don't even COME TO THIS FREAKIN TIMESHARE ANNUALLY!!
2. There are two owners on this timeshare - are we BOTH obligated to come? If not - can I call dibbs and make the OTHER owner the obligated one?
3. What if I show up to your "ownership meeting" with a plaque around my neck which reads - I hate this place, and I want to sell it to one of you people here..
4. Where, oh where EXACTLY does it say that in my contract. Let me read it - and interpret it differently than YOU DO....

I was pissed. So then I started calling other friends who have timeshares. Were you ever accosted. Yes. all the time. I just ignore them. Yes - why of course - which is why we unplug the phone when we get there.. We just use our cell phones. Yes - but don't worry - you can usually bully them into leaving you alone.

This is the BIGGEST KEPT SECRET IN THE WORLD. If you buy a timeshare - it will be one big solicitation after another when you go to your timeshare.

I hear there are some amazing exceptions (which I won't promote here - because I fully intent to sell this g*dforsaken place - and pretend that it is one such timeshare) - but oh -do not be mistaken. I will rid myself of this boil..

even if I have to poo it. Yes Luscious... I said pop - in connection with ooze and puss.

sigh.

since I'm still here - the venom is still pretty wicked.

Well - now that that's off my chest - I'm off to enjoy the rest of my vacation.

P.S. - I'm on vacation - I'm not re-reading this to make sure it makes sense, or that I spelled things correctly - so apologies if I did.
P.P.S. - I will most likely not blog for the rest of the week - because - well - I'm on vacation - and.... MCsquared will only let me use his computer if I beg...

And I only beg when I'm desperate....

:)