Leverage

I am a married woman, and I go out with men, alone, aside from my husband. I’m also a big flirt. Is that wrong?

My husband has known this about my personality for quite some time. I treat men and women the same, same flirty nature with them, so even though its been told to me that there is a significant difference between the way the people receive my flirty-ness, I don’t think that’s true. And I still go out with men on my own. I’ve curtailed it a lot since we were dating, and I always make sure I mention my husband and talk about him with these men to make sure that nothing weird comes out of it…

But – I’ve decided that it IS wrong.

There are a lot of fiercely independent, and not so fiercely independent, women who would absolutely disagree with me. You are doing nothing wrong. Your husband knew that you were a very social person, and amongst those you socialize with – there are men, and they’re just friends and that’s it. Nothing will happen.

But that’s it isn’t it. How do you know nothing will happen? You ask the however many million people who have cheated on their significant others whether or not they ever went into an affair actually knowing that they were going to start an affair? Most of the time – they are just two people with two very important things present: Opportunity and convenience.

My therapist told me that those are usually the two things that are necessary to have an affair, and how most affairs start. It doesn’t necessarily have to be this secret, incognito, double-oh seven-type event. Most people do not walk out of the house with a whole different outfit and wig in their bag that they can slip on at the local gas station. It can be as simple as a dinner. Two people of the opposite sex complaining about what is wrong in their lives… Perhaps getting the sort of attention they need from their loved one at home – from this friend. This sort of slippery slope is what is wrong.

Don’t let it happen to you, if you’re there.

Women argue – it won’t. It won’t happen. When pressed – “why won’t it happen?” arguments like – “do you really think I’m THAT kind of woman!” come out – but the answer to the question doesn’t. We are intelligent women. If a man is going out with a hottie chick one on one – and her breasts are falling out of her shirt, and your man says, “I won’t cheat – because it just won’t happen” and “do you really think I’m THAT kind of man!” Are these arguments that won’t give us pause?

Another one of my favorites is, “If you trust me, this wouldn’t even be an argument.” Is it about trust? I trust that you’re a good driver, but does that mean you’ll never be involved in a car accident? No. Because – it’s not about you, or the circumstances you can control – it’s about the circumstances you can’t control. And sometimes, it’s the impulsiveness that arises out of hurt and loneliness, or alcohol. It is those unforeseen circumstances… things out of the person’s control – that are so important. Not that you don’t trust the person. It’s not about trusting the person to stop what is happening, it is stopping the opportunity and convenience of it happening from happening. Because no one knows – no one REALLY knows. If they did – this wouldn’t happen quite as often as it does.

I realized, that for my life, I was using it as leverage. My husband does things I don’t like. And he chooses to continue to do them. So- my question became, well then, why couldn’t I choose this one thing to do – that I know he doesn’t like me to do – and just do it. Leverage this to see if I could get him to realize what he was doing, and the impact it was having on me – because he refused to see that what his actions are doing to me.

But – that’s a dangerous game, and one that I cannot afford to lose.

I suspect a lot of women use it as leverage – to “get back” at their men. Going out with other men, on a small level, when you KNOW your husband/boyfriend is not happy about it says something to them. Its funny how women will say, “if you know it makes me unhappy – you shouldn’t do it.” But – I’ve seen these women often argue when confronted with the same question. If you know if hurts your man, why do it?

Often, we women use it to “teach them a lesson.” Sure – we may hide it. I hid it. I said, “No – it is about living an independent lifestyle. It is about maintaining who I am, and what I am about. It is about living my life the way I’ve always lived it.” But – I’m not an independent anymore, who can live their lives without consequence to my husband. And neither can any woman who truly cares about a man—who truly cares about them going out with other men. In the end, for me, it was to maintain some sort of semblance of my “pre-husband” self. But – I am not my pre-husband-self, and hopefully – I never will be again.

So – I decided to get out of the game. This is no the kind of leverage I’m willing to use anymore. Because – if I lose – I lose it all.

And for me, its not worth it. Is it worth it to you?