Happy New Year…. Oh Good Grief.

If you’re anything like me – which I’ve been reassured time and time again that I’m average, so I’m thinking that at least 50% of you people ARE like me – then you believe (to a certain extent) that how you start the new year is pretty much how your entire year will look. If it starts out lucky –your entire year will be lucky. If it starts out unlucky – then that’s how your year will be.

And if you end the old year fighting with your mom and not making up before the new year – despite all your attempts – then your new year is going to suck.

That is exactly where I am right now. Stuck. Between a rock and a new year.

I tried. Oh – I tried to make amends. But my mom went on what I lovingly refer to as a “shit spiral down to hell.” Now that I have a kid – I lovingly refer to it as a “crap spiral down to H-E-double hockey sticks..” Whatever the conversation started as, it ended as, “how can I ever prove to you that I’m a good mother…” or “I can never talk about what I’m unhappy about, so I will always be unhappy…” and one of my all time favorites, “what – now I can’t be unhappy?” Cognitively – I know that none of this is about me and she would have cycled down into one of these with or without me. But as you might guess, I would have much rather that I wasn't the catalyst, and didn't stupidly started talking about something I had no business talking about – and so – to a certain extent – I did this to myself.

She’s had these cycles ever since I can remember. No one ever said my mom’s life was easy. It wasn’t, and I have a deep and profound respect for her and all she’s done – both for herself – and for us kids. But – I didn’t get my flair for drama from nowhere. It came straight from my mom – do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. I’ve learned to temper my own feelings to reasonable and rational ones when I'm pissed off or upset, but my mom has yet to really get there… I don’t think she’s trying really hard, and as an elder Chinese lady – who basically, in my culture, has a right to do anything she wants to do and not be questioned by us younger kids, she’s never going to get there.

Either way, we fought, and she’s unhappy.

So – by extension – I’m unhappy. How could I be happy? My mother is unhappy. And I am part of the reason. And it’s new years eve. And if we don’t make up – that basically means fulfills my superstition that the rest of the year is going to suck too.

Why does it have to be so complicated? Our relationship with our mothers, I mean. Some women have it really good. Some have phenomenal relationships with their mothers. I wouldn’t say that my relationship with my mother is phenomenal, but it’s not bad. It’s never been that bad. But, it’s never been easy either. A complex mother daughter relationship, exacerbated by complex Chinese cultures, makes for complex discussions the night before new years… which most likely won’t be fixed until next year.

But at the end of the day, the thing that really gets me – is my mom is sad and I caused that… and – well – that’s just not the way to start a new year. I tried to make amends, but I think the best thing to do is to give her some space to get over it. But in the interim, I’m sitting here – sad. Sad that I’m going to start the new year with my mom sad and me being the cause for it.

So – a note to you at the end of 2009… do not have candid discussions with your mom New Year’s Eve.. it might go horribly wrong, leaving you sitting next to your man with the laptop on your thighs, blogging about it as you watch (insert name) countdown to the next year’s show.

I got a feeling.. tonight’s not gonna be a good night…. Not gonna be a good goood night...

I hate ending things on a bad note. I've got some control over my blog- so let's end things happily - and try to set the stage for next year...

May you have a Happy New Year! Here's to hoping for good things in 2010 (and hopefully that will squash this stupid superstition of mine!!!)

Have yourself a merry little christmas…

Christmas always seems to be a time of…. STRESS.

Let’s face it. When do we ever go out and buy all this loot for as many people as we do, spend hours wrapping the stuff up, spend endless hours traveling and handing out gifts, all in the name of a fat man in a red suit? (Cause it’s totally not for Baby Jesus..) I mean – really. We did this to ourselves. Damn you Hallmark.
But –every year – we go through it, and if you ask – COUNTLESS people will tell you that this is their favorite holiday..

An unscientific survey of my own brain leads me to the following reasons (and corresponding refuting arguments as to why these reasons... are dumb) people think that Christmas is their favorite holiday….

1. Family get togethers:

Okay – here’s a newsflash. If you’re only getting together with your family once a year, then – you just might not like them that much – or get along with them enough to be able to tolerate them for a long (or short) holiday. Hence all fighting when it comes to family holiday get togethers. My anectdote for that is – if you don’t like your family – don’t pick Christmas to spend with them… There’s too much pressure.. Presents, sitting around the table… having to have to be giving (since that is usually the central theme to all Christmas holiday specials.) Choose another less stressful holiday to get together.. Namely – Halloween. That way – you can get dressed up –and if need be – get away by putting on your mask and pretending to be someone else.

2. Presents presents presents. Exchanging presents for the holidays.
Ask these same people whether or not the presents they give out are well received or not… often times, the presents aspect of the holidays is the hardest and most stressful part of the holiday. Look at what is associated with present giving and receiving.

Giving: You’re constantly looking for that perfect gift for that person (most of the time –you trump up your own belief as to how awesome the gift is) – you might (1) miss the fact that the person really hates the gift upon opening; or (2) be uber disappointed that, although they liked the gift when they opened it –they didn’t seem to like it ENOUGH… Not to mention the hours and money put into the actual purchasing, then the wrapping selection (bag or wrapping paper?) then the delivery (do you meet on a day before or after the holidays?)

Receiving: What if you spend hours upon hours purchasing something for someone –you’ve thought about what the person likes – doesn’t like.. Then it comes time to exchange the gift, and you realize they got you a gift card with no thought involved whatsoever. Or – you have that friend who purchases you a gift, and then asks for the next 10 hours for constant reassurance that you like the gift, and even years later, asks where the gift is… I mean – c’mon! Is it wrong at that point to say – bluntly that you regifted it. Or, the best is when you give a gift, and the other person didn’t – and you sit there reexamining your friendship – thinking – hm.. do I care MORE?

3. The lights are beautiful!
Have you ever had to put up said lights? The first night they’re beautiful. Then – a bulb pops, and ½ your lights aren’t working.. and you have no idea where to change the bulb to get it to look nice. Then your house is the ghetto fabulous house on the block with ½ it’s lights working and ½ its lights broken. Ghetto. Fabulous…

4. Everyone is filled with the Christmas spirit!
Have ya been to a mall around Christmas time? Most of the people are scrambling to buy gifts, disgruntled, screaming patrons, aggressive driving…. It is one of the WORST times of the year. People are fighting over gifts in the store – last ticket items. If the Christmas spirit is cut-throat present purchasing, then EVERYONE I encountered at the mall was totally into the Christmas spirit.

*** and finally***

5. Seeing your kids (if you have any) run to the tree screaming PRESENTS…
I got nothing. That really is awesome.

Okay – so unless your reason is totally #5 – then I have no idea why you would ever think that Christmas is the best holiday ever.

It just so happens that for me- it’s totally #5.

Happy Holidays everyone.

New York – Concrete jungle where dreams are made of…

I’m procrastinating. I don’t want to wrap gifts. I don’t want to do any online last minute shopping. I don’t want to redistribute gifts because I forgot a person I should have remembered to give a gift to and I need to rejigger stuff…
I don’t wanna do none of it..

And in the midst of it all – I’m sitting here – watching TV… (the greatest procrastinating enabler in the whole world) and a scene from New York’s Brooklyn Bridge passes by.

A little background on me. I grew up in New York. Brooklyn to be exact. It is a huge part of who I am. In fact, often, I lament the idea of my daughter growing up in suburbia, USA. There are a lot of pros living in suburbia USA, but – c’mon. New York – concrete jungle where dreams are made of! There’s nothing you can’t do!!And although I’ve acclimated to the life I have here in suburbia USA, I’m mindful of New York every time I see it on TV, or visit friends/family in New York, or walk the mean streets of New York.

I mean – I was in New York when 42nd street really was filled with sleeze… and not the adult Disney extravaganza that it is now. You could walk through the parks by Gracie Mansion, and it wasn’t gated off, and the Twin Towers stood tall above the underground plaza beneath with Banana Republic and the Mariott and the Duane Reade, amongst the HSBC ATMs by the escalators leading to the PATH. That was MY New York. Before Alphabet City was filled with yuppies, before they decided to start, and before they completed construction on the Manhattan Bridge. There was no W line, and trains were referred to their letter/number – not their color. The red line? What the frick is that?!?!

I spent the better half of 25 years in New York City-smelling the smells, learning the streets, falling in love. Besides my family, it is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in.

But – we separated about 10 years ago – and a lot changes in 10 years. Some things still stay the same. Thirty rock is the same, Central Park – for the most part – is the same. The Guggenheim, 34th Street – Herald Square, the Empire State Building, the Natural Museum of History, Pier 17, Chinatown, Little Italy, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Manhattan Bridges (sans squatters settlement at the base in NYC), Chelsea Piers, 14th Street…. The same.

But other things- like Williamsburg in Brooklyn, Brooklyn Heights area, Flatbush, Main Street – those places have exploded. It’s crowded, it’s hustling, it’s bustling, it’s crazy…

Truth is, I’m not sure I would want to live in NYC right now. It’s not exactly the best place for a family who’s starting up with small kids. I mean, there’s the subway, autonomy for kids… As a kid – I loved it! But my children cannot be trusted. They cannot be trusted with autonomy. I gasp at the idea. But what a world it was when I was young. I started taking the train when I was young young. I had my fair share of men flashing me man giblets, and saw a whole bunch of inappropriate things on the train. But – wasn’t that par for the course? But – funny thing is – I don’t want my daughter going through that. I don’t want her first experience with man giblets to be on a subway from some skeezy homeless guy… I’m getting there.

I don’t think I’ll ever get over New York. Everyone has a place that is home to them. For me – it’s New York. I do get nostalgic when I see it on the tube. I get nostalgic when I visit friends/family. I get nostalgic when I hear songs. I miss the city.

New York. Concrete Jungle where dreams are made of. There’s nothing you can’t do.

That’s the place in my heart. New York City – is my heart….

I’m just not that into my blog.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what to blog. Often times I’d come up with a blog topic, and then I’d think – that’s wayyy too personal. I’ve always been too afraid to reveal too much of myself in my posts.

Okay, okay, my inspiration was yet again some sappy movie, that I love. I’m talking about He’s just not that into you. Another sappy movie- I know, I know, but one particular scene stuck out in my head and struck a chord about me on a lot of different levels.

So – the scene is at the end of Alex’s (Apple Mac Pc guy) party when Gigi (Big Love chick) throws herself on him and he says that she didn’t get anything he was teaching her about relationships – and when people just weren’t into each other and that she didn’t understand. After being berated, she says that she’d rather be like herself than like him. Then she says that she might make a fool of herself and be vulnerable – but that he’s alone and she’s closer to finding love than he ever would be.

(Okay - I cheated - here's the quote:

Gigi: I would rather be like that, than be like you.
Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?
Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You think you've won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.
)

I thought about that for a little bit. In our own relationships, the sexiest memory we have of our significant others aren’t necessarily when they’re standing there nekked in front of you doing a happy dance, things bouncing happily all over the place. The most adrenaline drawing, toe curling memories we have are moments of absolute vulnerability.

Think about it for a moment. The best memories are memories of confessions of love and adoration, sharing intimate details about a sordid past, opening up about themselves, holding hands for the first time, kissing for the first time, the first time you were told that they loved you. All these moments have vulnerability in common. Leaving yourself vulnerable (not desperately open and pathetic, but a guarded vulnerability) is sexy. It is extremely attractive.

I have done it once or twice in my life – but the reality is – I don’t know how to be vulnerable in my life. I hide behind wit and my amazing body and gorgeousness (I’ll just let you think on that a moment…) but for the most part in my life, I am usually not very vulnerable to people. I tell people things, I share things, but deep vulnerability? I struggle with that one. I can’t even be completely vulnerable to my husband. I have no idea how to be.

Which leads me to this blog. I have thought of a number of posts. I didn’t write anything about them because I was too afraid of saying too much about how I feel that reveals too much about who I am. My toes curled a little bit with the idea of revealing something intimate about myself. But, I’ve also noticed, to a certain extent, that the best blogs are the ones where people are most open about themselves, most revealing. People are also more appreciative.

I’m not really sure where I’ll come down on this – but I wonder. Will the rewards (gigi’s character) be better than the control I have (Alex’s character) of the entire situation around myself?

Hm….