I’m just not that into my blog.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what to blog. Often times I’d come up with a blog topic, and then I’d think – that’s wayyy too personal. I’ve always been too afraid to reveal too much of myself in my posts.

Okay, okay, my inspiration was yet again some sappy movie, that I love. I’m talking about He’s just not that into you. Another sappy movie- I know, I know, but one particular scene stuck out in my head and struck a chord about me on a lot of different levels.

So – the scene is at the end of Alex’s (Apple Mac Pc guy) party when Gigi (Big Love chick) throws herself on him and he says that she didn’t get anything he was teaching her about relationships – and when people just weren’t into each other and that she didn’t understand. After being berated, she says that she’d rather be like herself than like him. Then she says that she might make a fool of herself and be vulnerable – but that he’s alone and she’s closer to finding love than he ever would be.

(Okay - I cheated - here's the quote:

Gigi: I would rather be like that, than be like you.
Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?
Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You think you've won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.
)

I thought about that for a little bit. In our own relationships, the sexiest memory we have of our significant others aren’t necessarily when they’re standing there nekked in front of you doing a happy dance, things bouncing happily all over the place. The most adrenaline drawing, toe curling memories we have are moments of absolute vulnerability.

Think about it for a moment. The best memories are memories of confessions of love and adoration, sharing intimate details about a sordid past, opening up about themselves, holding hands for the first time, kissing for the first time, the first time you were told that they loved you. All these moments have vulnerability in common. Leaving yourself vulnerable (not desperately open and pathetic, but a guarded vulnerability) is sexy. It is extremely attractive.

I have done it once or twice in my life – but the reality is – I don’t know how to be vulnerable in my life. I hide behind wit and my amazing body and gorgeousness (I’ll just let you think on that a moment…) but for the most part in my life, I am usually not very vulnerable to people. I tell people things, I share things, but deep vulnerability? I struggle with that one. I can’t even be completely vulnerable to my husband. I have no idea how to be.

Which leads me to this blog. I have thought of a number of posts. I didn’t write anything about them because I was too afraid of saying too much about how I feel that reveals too much about who I am. My toes curled a little bit with the idea of revealing something intimate about myself. But, I’ve also noticed, to a certain extent, that the best blogs are the ones where people are most open about themselves, most revealing. People are also more appreciative.

I’m not really sure where I’ll come down on this – but I wonder. Will the rewards (gigi’s character) be better than the control I have (Alex’s character) of the entire situation around myself?

Hm….