Pretend my friends

We all pretend in our lives.

It generally starts out young. For example, when you're crying and your mom or dad tells you to stop crying, and you stop because you pretend that you don't want to cry anymore— even though you probably do. Or how about when your parents told you to go to sleep—you pretend to sleep and eventually you do.

Then you get a little older. You start pretending about other more interesting things. Pretending takes on a whole new kind of look. You start to pretend you don’t like a boy that you really like to show that boy that you don’t like them, to get them to be interested in you. Hm.

Then – there’s the whole pretending you aren’t going a bit hormonally crazy when you first get your period and get really angry and upset at everyone around you. You pretend not to be hurt when someone bullies you – and you pretend that what your friends/family say/says don’t/doesn’t really matter. You pretend to be stronger than you really are. Eventually you are—at least outwardly to the world.



But I wonder. Why is the world obsessed with pretending? Think about it – isn’t that what entertainment is all about? The whole entertainment and fashion industry is built around this idea of pretending to be in a place, in a situation that is not your own. Even characters in the show/movie/play/musical that you are watching are pretending they are feeling the emotions they don’t have- and eventually – to a certain extent – even if it’s limited to the show/movie/play/musical – they actually feel the feelings they are pretending to feel.

Isn’t that why a lot of actors/actresses fall for each other? Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, Brangelina, Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy, Jada Pinkett and Will Smith, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr.—all together from shows where they played romantic love interests…

Whole societies base a big part of their lives on pretending. Arranged marriages that still happen in a number of Asian countries are built on pretending. Pretending to be in a marriage and pretending to care about a person you just met may actually, eventually lead to a real love blossoming, and therefore a family built around loving parents.

But isn’t there something a bit nice about the pretending? Have you ever gotten up and was sad about something. Then, you said to yourself, I’m not going to be sad about that – and you “pretended” that you were happy. Something about that pretending makes you a bit happier than if you kept up the whole doom and gloom over whatever it was that was making you sad.

But it doesn’t work with everything – does it?

For example, if you pretend to not love someone – can you not love them? I suppose eventually. But is it because you pretended you didn’t love that person, or is it because time passes and time heals all wounds? You still carry a flame for this person – as evidenced by anytime they walk into the room and your heart suddenly goes pitter patter.

Can you pretend that away? And if you could would you want to?

As you get a bit older, you’ve come full circle, and you try not to pretend anymore. You think that pretending is stupid, and you pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to learn how to be honest with yourself and others. Pretending isn’t real life. To be in the now and really live life, you have to live it through every broken heart, through every honest feeling. Pretending you don’t feel a certain way only makes you prolong the length of that feeling (happy or not) in your life. Because you don’t really face it. You don’t really address it. So, it may be pushed to one side, but it’s never fully dealt with – and it comes back to haunt you.

But we continue to do it to a certain extent. For a lot of people – it’s a coping mechanism, or a defense mechanism. Sometimes the here and now is too difficult to deal with.

We all need our escape I suppose.

I still pretend in my life. I pretend I’m smarter than I feel, and a lot of times that works. Sometimes I get called out – and I look like a bumbling fool, but if I get away with it 8 out of 10 times, you’d better believe I’m going to pretend my way out of most situations. I pretend to be certain about things I’m not. I pretend to be stronger than I really am, I pretend to be more confident and self assured. I have myself convinced a lot of times that I am, but when the lights are down, and no one’s around – you can’t pretend. You can’t lie to yourself. You can only lie/pretend to others. It’s the perception of what you are pretending by yourself or others that keeps the pretense alive. But you know the truth when you’re alone. Bolstered or not in those few moments of pretend, eventually the truth comes out, and you’re left to deal with it, ready or not.

Ready or not – I’m going to pretend I’m the world’s best blogger and that you, dear reader, think I’m amazingly fascinating and can’t wait for the next installment.

Ah – makes me feel soo good!

I don't need no stinking education...

I had a long talk today with a colleague of mine, and we were talking about education and I came to realize something.  I think I'm insecure when it comes to proving my intelligence.

I think it's because I doubt it myself a lot of times.

Don't get me wrong.  I'd like to think I am smart.  If you knew me on a day to day basis, you wouldn't necessarily think so - but when the chips are down, I'd say I was above average.. Not mensa, not a genius, but smart.  I am smart enough to know I'm probably not smarter than a lot of people.

Since I was small, I was counted amongst the smartest kids in my school.  I don't know if it just luck, or timing, or both - but I was selected in elementary school to take an exam for a pretty reputable program.  Then all through middle school I was in an advanced class, then for HS - I went to a relatively reputable HS in the city. 

This is where I think the disconnect was. 

I didn't go to a reputable college.  I didn't apply myself that much in HS either.  I think it was the ability to say that I didn't study to explain away my mediocre SAT score, and my B+ A- average in school.  (which was bad by the way - in comparison.  To who - I don't know, but I was constantly reassured that it was bad..)

I like the college I went to.  A lot of things happened for me there.  I excelled at school without really trying.  I met my husband there.  I have great friends from there.  I ended up getting a job at a great accounting firm (the biggest now - from what I understand) - hobnobbing with the ivy league students I went to school with in HS.

But there was something about that one hiatus in my life.  The fall from grace, if you will.  The college I attended wasn't reputable.  I often find myself explaining why I went to this college, even though I've done relatively well for myself otherwise, and generally - I'm very happy.

I think it might be that I'm a reverse intellectual elitist.  I met too many people who weren't smart, but ended up going to great schools.  Or people who looked at the name of the HS, college, graduate school, law school - and immediately judged the person based on where he/she went, and I am relatively repulsed by it.  The self-importance that some of these people have.  I went to a whole HS with fledgling elitists.  To a certain extent they were all that way.  The worse part was the school fostered it.  It encouraged the pomposity, rather than reinforced the idea that we may be smart, but we need to listen and hear those around us.  That our own voices were not the most important, and our ideas may not have been the best.  We were encouraged to think that we knew best... even if that wasn't true.  I suppose it was one way to foster confidence.  For a lot - it fostered cockiness.  It was an immediate turn off for me from the very beginning, and perhaps that has translated very deeply into the way I live and view things now.

Yet - I subscribe to it.  I must.  If not - I would care less about what people thought about my going to a less reputable school, feel need to explain why I went there... It wouldn't matter.  But it does.  So I'm a big mix of muddled feelings and emotions about this.

The whole conversation came up because I was deciding what I wanted to do/teach my child about education, going to a reputable school, what is smart and what isn't smart.  I'm at a crossroad as it relates to setting up my kid's education.  I need to decide now whether I will stay in Suburbia USA or set myself up in NYC before she gets to school.  (I would hate to pull her after she's made her friends in school wherever she ends up, to opt for the other place, whichever that might be...)

As I am thinking about it - I'm swayed to let her stay here.  The school district here is relatively good.  There is no guarantee that she will be admitted to the school of choice that I have set my eyes on.  I've also determined that life has a way of throwing curve balls at us.  Let's say we uproot our lives here, and then she decides that she doesn't even want to continue to go to school.  That has always been something that I have told McSquared to embrace, not reject.  We teach our kids to understand the consequences of their decisions, and then let them make their own mistakes.  That is a part of the beauty of living your own life, regret-free.  I think they need to be fully educated, but in the end, if they fully understand what they are doing, who am I to stand in their way?  It's not about controlling the actions of your children.  It's about guiding them to make the decisions that are right for them, even if it means that you let them make the mistakes they need to in order to get to where they should be.  Even if this means it takes them longer to get there.

I want to be able to afford the opportunities to my children that are invaluable in comparison to an ivy league education.  I'd like them to see the world before they need to be immersed in it.  I'd like them to be able to see those that aren't as well off to appreciate what they have  I'd like them to meet different people from different countries to understand that we are all very different, and yet, exactly the same.  Life's experiences trump anything you can find in a classroom, and I'd like my children to be subsumed in it.  The juggle comes from whether or not I can afford both an ivy league education and all these other programs that give you life lessons...

So - I struggle.  I continue to struggle about it.  For myself and for my daughter...

Do you believe in life after love? Cause you might be wrong!!

A friend of mine posted this on his facebook status: 

Note to everyone: Please stop saying "it all depends on what you believe." It truly DOESN'T matter what you think. Reality is reality, and will continue on its merry way regardless of your personal beliefs. In fact, if there is a difference between your (or my) beliefs and reality, the term for that is "wrong" as in "Boy, was I wrong."

I love this friend, but I think it's a little sad that looking at reality, you can only see what is right or wrong.  The black and the white.  Allowing for beliefs and accepting the different accounts of people allows you to open yourself up to people and take them in.  I'm not saying you have to take everyone in, but perspective involves being able to look beyond ourselves, and be open-minded to differing opinions.  This just seems like a hard line to follow, and an ever harder life to live.

I think there is a reality that no one can see.  It is the truth, it is the factual manifestation of what has happened.  But no one sees it.  Because everyone sees this "reality," through their own perspectives, their own experiences, their own understanding of the world.  What makes the world so colorful (sometimes good - sometimes bad) are these differences.  Two people can walk into a room, see what happen, and have a completely different take on what happened.  Both wouldn't be wrong, and neither would be right.  But according to my FB friend post, they would both be wrong. 

I guess, in the end, it doesn't matter.  But I'm concerned with people telling me I'm wrong when I see things differently.  Like everyone else, I don't care for people telling me when I'm wrong.  I don't mind when people, who think differently from me, accept what I say, not necessarily as correct, but as what I think is my reality.  I think people who force others to believe a reality that they don't believe is right, despite the evidence, are the same people who start wars man.  I'm just saying...

So - as to not be a hyprocrite, I wrote back as a post (and just a little tongue in cheek): 

Brian - I really believe it depends on what you believe...

At least, that's my belief.

P.S. - I love my husband

I'm usually embarrassingly open about my feelings, despite being raised to be an oppressive passive aggresive asian.  Believe me - I can go back to being that - but - for the most part, if I love you - I tell you.  If I want to hug you - I hug you... Sometimes I rail against my instincts (because instinctively - sometimes I don't want to tell you I love you - even if I do, or hug you - even though you need one) but overall - I'm pretty open about how I feel - good or bad feelings.

Today - it is nothing but good.  McSquared and I have a long long history of ups and downs.  It has been a struggle to love each other - but I don't know who else to love.  My eyes refuse to lose sight of him, and my loins burn the moment he walks into the room - and my heart decides to go on triple speed when I hear his laugh.

I love everything about him.  Well, okay, everything that I don't hate.  And there is yet still a lot I hate about him.

But I love him so dearly, that even when I hate him - I love him.

We Americans believe in redemption.  Chinese people?  Not so much.  If you made a mistake - you are dishonored forever.   You don't recover.  People are not impressed by your ability to pull yourself back up again.  You weren't supposed to screw up to begin with - but you did - and now - you might as well kill yourself because that is how useful you are to the rest of us. 

Americans on the otherhand, it is soooo much easier to screw up and ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.  So -people screw up - and then - they pull their lives back together, and people are in AWE of that.  They have great respect for that.  It is so incredible that people screw up and then recover.

I think this is because American's believe that for the most part, once you screw up - you will continue to screw up - and it is the norm.  Chinese people think that one screw up is an anomoly - but it doesn't matter -you deserve to die for dishonoring all the hard work your mother and father put into you in raising you right.

There's a point here - seriously. 

So - between McSquared and I - there have been a lot of heartaches and mistake - on both our parts.  We met young, we're still trying to figure each other out.  But - like Robert Downey Jr., we rise from our mistakes each time - and we seem to be the better and stronger for each mistake we make.

Tonight was an important night for me.  McSquared had a history of making these types of days for me horrific - because he usually drops a very important ball that I need him to keep up for me - because it is one of the things that makes the day so extraordinary.  For years, McSquared would drop that ball. It got to a point where I wanted to take all my balls back and never let him play with them again.

As a result, he's changed.  He's tried.  He's taken some of my very important balls, the ones I am juggling all the time, and has decided to share the burden of that juggling act I call my life.  He's extended himself now more than ever before.

And rather than treat him like dust, like his parents or my parents would - I am in awe of the transformation.  In awe.  And it has only profoundly deepened my already inextinguishable love for him.

And like the Americans I grew up with and love, this new change in him, these redemptive acts only serve as hooks that sink deeper into me.  I cannot escape.  Good, bad or ugly, I cannot imagine my life without him - no matter how often I would like to kick him for being a boob.

He's trying to be better.  Regardless of whether or not it is for me, for us, for our kids, for himself... he is changing, and he is working on righting past mistakes.

Which makes him irresistible.

I didn't mean to gush about him this entire blog-  but boy - he reallly did good today.

Really.

Oh - and P.S. - I am totally and completely into him...

Hippo Birdie Two Ewe...

I love that.  Hippo Birdie Two Ewe. 

As you might have guessed, I am/did/will be/in the future having a birthday to celebrate.

Birthdays do funny things to people.  Men, women, the young, the old, there's something about the marking of a year of your life that makes you take stock of the previous year you lived and contemplate the next year you're going to live.  For some people, it's an ever ticking time clock, counting down the number of days you have left before the skin is looser everywhere, things are sagging that didn't sag before, and there are wayyy too many younger versions of you catching you (and your significant other's) eye.

This year, my birthday is no big milestone, nothing girnormous happened this year in particular.  I'm not particularly moved to reevaluate the last year of my life or try to plan the next year of my life.  I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm completely comfortable in my skin.  It doesn't mean that I don't have any insecurities, that I don't mess up, I'm forgetful and I'm still aging.  But - I know I have my flaws, and I struggle to make myself a better person, but in the end, flaws and all - this is who I am - and I'm not bad... (and gosh darn it - people like me...)

Up until about 4 years ago, I was insecure, doubtful, I didn't know what I wanted, who I was, where I was going.  I used to be in awe of people who did.  And then - one day - I figured it out, then flipped over in bed, and I've not lost sleep over this since.  I'll tell you what the answer is.. and then you'll go to sleep happily and never lose sleep over this again either.

No one has it completely together. Who you are is who you are - flaws, indecision, inseurities and all.  The moment you "know who you are" is when you can look in the mirror, and accept all the flaws you have, accept that your path changes everyday, and even well laid out plans aren't really "where you're going" - because life definitely has a way of making you change course midstream sometimes, and you will always have inseurities, no matter how secure you are.

There.  Throw away the Ambien.

The moment you accept those things, and stop trying to force round pegs into square holes (not literally, and not in any gross sexual kind of way either.. ew....) you'll finally know yourself.. and feel comfy in your skin.

It's wherre I am right now.

So - Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday dear awesome-oh meee..

Hippo Birdie two geese!!

What are you thinking?.... Actually - I don't care..

Often, I sit with MCsquared in silence.  For a long time, that silence was uncomfortable to me, and I found myself asking those four little words that most men dread being asked. 

"What are you thinking?"

The reality is - I only want to know what he is thinking if he's thinking about something that has to do with me.  That's the truth. 

Because - what McSquared is usually thinking is nothing.  Not one thing.  Or he's thinking about how expensive gas is, or he's thinking that his Prius isn't giving him enough gas mileage, or he's thinking that his butt itches.

But he's not thinking the one thing I want him to be thinking when I ask him, "what are you thinking."  I want him to be thinking deeper thoughts like, "I'm so lucky to be married to dyang" or "how can I go on giving dyang everything that she wants/deserves?" or "Dyang is so beautiful.." or "I'm angry with Dyang, and it has made me think deep thoughts that make me look so hot sitting here aloof..."

Okay - so maybe not sooo goofy, but some derivative of that.  I think a lot of women who ask this question are thinking the same thing, admittedly so or not.  Afterall, we are all a bit narcissistic (sp!?) like that - aren't we?

The immediate answer, after our men, posed with such a question, are silent, is, "Are you angry with me?  Is it me?"  Most of the time, the answer is - no.  But - if you keep asking - it will fast become you.

So - when I ask McSquared what he's thinking - I don't really want to know - unless it's about me, or something deep related to me, or something that makes him seem very vulnerable (like -how he was teased as a kid- and needs some sort of reassurance from me, the woman in his life that means everything, that he is loveable... (that is tootally hot too))...

So men, if you're actually reading this blog, if you really want to answer this question in a way that pleases your woman (because - your real answer won't - I know it already) - make the answer related to her in some way... and then let her prattle on about the answer to your concern, and we will leave you alone..

You say nothing - and we will never let it go. 

Never.

I totally mean that..  We will either keep hunting for the answer, or get pissed off at you....

I'm blogging this - while glowering at McSquared for not answering the question correctly..