P.S. - I love my husband

I'm usually embarrassingly open about my feelings, despite being raised to be an oppressive passive aggresive asian.  Believe me - I can go back to being that - but - for the most part, if I love you - I tell you.  If I want to hug you - I hug you... Sometimes I rail against my instincts (because instinctively - sometimes I don't want to tell you I love you - even if I do, or hug you - even though you need one) but overall - I'm pretty open about how I feel - good or bad feelings.

Today - it is nothing but good.  McSquared and I have a long long history of ups and downs.  It has been a struggle to love each other - but I don't know who else to love.  My eyes refuse to lose sight of him, and my loins burn the moment he walks into the room - and my heart decides to go on triple speed when I hear his laugh.

I love everything about him.  Well, okay, everything that I don't hate.  And there is yet still a lot I hate about him.

But I love him so dearly, that even when I hate him - I love him.

We Americans believe in redemption.  Chinese people?  Not so much.  If you made a mistake - you are dishonored forever.   You don't recover.  People are not impressed by your ability to pull yourself back up again.  You weren't supposed to screw up to begin with - but you did - and now - you might as well kill yourself because that is how useful you are to the rest of us. 

Americans on the otherhand, it is soooo much easier to screw up and ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.  So -people screw up - and then - they pull their lives back together, and people are in AWE of that.  They have great respect for that.  It is so incredible that people screw up and then recover.

I think this is because American's believe that for the most part, once you screw up - you will continue to screw up - and it is the norm.  Chinese people think that one screw up is an anomoly - but it doesn't matter -you deserve to die for dishonoring all the hard work your mother and father put into you in raising you right.

There's a point here - seriously. 

So - between McSquared and I - there have been a lot of heartaches and mistake - on both our parts.  We met young, we're still trying to figure each other out.  But - like Robert Downey Jr., we rise from our mistakes each time - and we seem to be the better and stronger for each mistake we make.

Tonight was an important night for me.  McSquared had a history of making these types of days for me horrific - because he usually drops a very important ball that I need him to keep up for me - because it is one of the things that makes the day so extraordinary.  For years, McSquared would drop that ball. It got to a point where I wanted to take all my balls back and never let him play with them again.

As a result, he's changed.  He's tried.  He's taken some of my very important balls, the ones I am juggling all the time, and has decided to share the burden of that juggling act I call my life.  He's extended himself now more than ever before.

And rather than treat him like dust, like his parents or my parents would - I am in awe of the transformation.  In awe.  And it has only profoundly deepened my already inextinguishable love for him.

And like the Americans I grew up with and love, this new change in him, these redemptive acts only serve as hooks that sink deeper into me.  I cannot escape.  Good, bad or ugly, I cannot imagine my life without him - no matter how often I would like to kick him for being a boob.

He's trying to be better.  Regardless of whether or not it is for me, for us, for our kids, for himself... he is changing, and he is working on righting past mistakes.

Which makes him irresistible.

I didn't mean to gush about him this entire blog-  but boy - he reallly did good today.

Really.

Oh - and P.S. - I am totally and completely into him...