Affection Affliction

Growing up as a child to immigrant parents, I didn't see a lot of affection. Affection wasn't a cause of any kind of celebration; in fact, it was quite awkward when my mom held me in any other way than a hard jerk of the arm to move me out of the way of oncoming traffic or something like that.

Perhaps that is why I am so drawn to it now. I am extremely affectionate with my child. I cuddle with her, I kiss her, I hug her wayyy too much (it has gotten to a point where she puts one tiny little hand on my face and pushes me away)... But it remains relatively strained between my parents and siblings. It even is that way – to a certain extent with MCSquared.

What's this thing society has with affection anyway. Because there's a fine line between too much affection, and too little affection - and everyone knows when the line has been crossed, and when it has not, but no one can tell you where this line is.

Most of the time, affection, or lack thereof, is interpreted by people to be in direct correlation to the amount of love, or lack thereof that someone feels for another.

But I live amongst a whole people who do not subscribe to this belief. Traditional Chinese people are not affectionate in any way shape or form. In fact, there should be no mistaking accidental touching for anything other than an accident. I used to watch Chinese movies, when a girl put her head on a guy’s shoulder – I used to think, “What are you THINKING!! Do you want to be labeled a ho!? Get your head off that guy’s shoulder!!!” – And imagine-I lived amongst a people who believed that wasn’t even getting to second base on a date. ( I still have yet to really figure out what second base was/is – I just know, for certain, that that was not it). In fact, this is precisely the reason why I couldn’t stomach that scene in “A Joy Luck Club” where (SPOILER ALERT!!!) the father is consoling the daughter when she finds out that her mother has had twins long ago, and unbeknownst to her mother, they were not dead, and it was her duty as a daughter to go to China to meet these girls and tell them of their mother’s death. What’s up with all the hugs, and weepy weepy I love you’s? It doesn’t happen in any Chinese family that I’VE ever met.
So – needless to say- it’s caused a lot of confusion in my life. There is an inner push/pull in my desire for affection, and then my judgment of people who openly give it.

What’s so wrong with a guy kissing a girl on the street? (Who just so happens to have his tongue so far down her throat you’d think he was checking the contents of her stomach, and one hand nauseatingly grappling for some part of her body). We are repelled by it, but haven’t we all been in a situation where we longed to be in it? So oblivious to everyone around you that you only have hands…ere… eyes for the person you’re with?

MCsquared, being Chinese or American when it conveniently furthers his agenda, is decidedly traditional in this area. He’s extremely cordial in public. Won’t hold my hand, won’t give me a kiss. His claim to me is the ring I wear around my finger. Aside from that, we could be brother and sister for anyone knows/cares. I long for that open affection. The hand draped over my shoulder, careless brush of my hair out of my eyes, soft graze of the hand over mine… quote any equivalent harlequin novel’s description of a first “touch” and I’d thought about it with MCsquared 9 years into our marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. He is affectionate with me. All behind closed doors. All between him and me. In fact, if ever disputed, it could fall on a “he said she said” argument. I don’t think people have seen him affectionate with me, or if they have, it was a rarity. He’s happy with it that way. Usually, I’m content, because I’m pretty sure of how he feels about me, but when you’re sitting across a couple that has every appendage intertwined in some way, it’s hard to not wish that your husband would just hold your hand. I suppose, in the end, it’s not what you know about how your loved one feels about you, but it’s also about whether or not the world perceives that person to feel that way about you. To his credit, MCSquared has argued that he isn’t like that because, “It has been engrained in our psyche for generations upon generations to be THIS way.” Well, he’s also used that line on childrearing and laundry – so take that any way you will…

Traditional Chinese people do not have this belief. Traditional Chinese people that is. They believe that you should KNOW, and not be reminded. It should show through their actions, and not their words. But not in how they show you affection. Traditional Chinese people show their love in other ways. It is mostly through passive aggressive guilt. Okay, I may be a little jaded. But when a Chinese person says, “I do not beat yell at people I don’t care about” they mean it. Chinese people are incredibly polite to people they dislike. In fact, in Cantonese, there’s this saying, “Suy mut gum hock hay neh?” which translates to, “Why are you being so polite.” You usually say it when a friend thanks you for doing something for them, and you gently chide them for being so polite with you in thanking you. Because, close friends/family do not thank each other for things they are supposed to do for each other. But that’s an entirely different blog.

What I try to remember is - affection means different things to different people. For the most part, Americans are pretty affectionate. I have given my daughter affection, and so has her father. She is very Americanized that way. I think cultural practices should kind of survive according to Darwinism. If the cultural practice is stupid…I mean… weak, it should waste away by the roadside. Survival of the fittest cultural practice.

I have a funny feeling a whole bunch of Chinese people are gonna start hugging each other in public – very soon.