Snap Crackle & Pop

What makes a relationship snap crackle and pop, and what makes a relationship fizzle.


I have a friend, lets name him Poe, who has been with his wife for 30 plus years. Here's the rub. He has no relationship with her. They still live in the same house. They still share finances, have two beautiful children, but they are nothing more than roommates who rely on each other financially. When pressed why they didn't just get divorced, he simply said, "It would be too big of a headache to separate our finances."


Hm. What happened to the snap crackle and pop that held them together?


Today- I asked him - whatever happened? Y'see - I'd like to know - whatever happened that led a once loving couple to become no more than the relational dead? He said - nothing. That was the problem - nothing happened. Then he said - it was 15 years, and it fizzled. And the second child didn't help either...


Dismayed, I began to think... When does doing nothing create a big something that kills the "it" between two people? My sister said it was "lust." Lust keeps the "it" in a relationship... it took me no more than 5 seconds to disagree with her. I don't think 'lust' is the 'it' that keeps a relationship from fizzling... I have a healthy dose of lust in my life - I'll tell you... but I don't think that's what keeps a relationship going...

Don't get me wrong... I think there needs to be a healthy dose of chemistry. But - you got that the moment you guys saw each other. Why 15 years later did the healthy dose of chemistry die? I don't know about you - but the guy I'm with now was wayyy hotter when I first met him... he knows it - I know it - we both know it (and so was i) - but I find him wayyy hotter now, rather than when we first were together....

So -what could it be?

I don't have an answer to this - not really... I have suggestions as to what you can do to NOT get to that point, but - I really don't have the answer as to why people fall out of "it" with each other....

My suggestions, however, to what you might want to think about doing in case you actually think the "it" is seeping out. (which I reiterate, is NOT coming from an expert... Just my own life experiences... My relationship has hit rocky roads as well...) is:

1. Don't ignore it. If you got the hairs on that tiny little neck of yours sticking up - because you are beginning to lose "it" for your other - don't ignore it. Tune into it - and really address it with yourself. For a lot of people, I find that by the time they actually choose to see it- its already lost, and it is that much harder to reclaim it.

2. Don't run or push away. We are flight or fight people. We either run from our messes, or we push people away in an attempt to be absolutely safe. But this is not the time to push or run... This is the time to address it. Two unhappy people not working towards coming back together will only find themselves growing further apart...

3. Talk about it and be vulnerable. Complaint is about the past. Something that happened.. You can only complain about something that has effected you before, and now - to avoid its future occurrence -you complain to make sure what has happened won't happen again. Even if a complaint is on your tongue, don't say it. There is a time and a place to address complaints, and your grudges, and your anger. The most important thing is to address the issue of whether you guys are losing the "it" for each other, and whether the two of you want to keep the "it" alive. A discussion like that really involves vulnerability - and not grandstanding... This is probably one of the hardest things that a person can ask of themselves.. We grow our entire lives building protections for ourselves... Allowing a person to come into our lives, especially the person who is the one who could potentially hurt us the most, is an incredibly daunting task.

4. Make a plan to make sure the 'it" is still there. Tell your relationship a true and honest representation of what it is you need from them. Be specific, be precise. I need more affection, I need more time, I need more space - are almost always interpreted differently by different people, no matter how well you know each other... Be very specific, so that there is NO mistake. THIS is what you need and want. And be realistic. If you are just setting the person up to fail, taking into consideration the task and the personality of the person you're asking it for, then forget it. Don't even bother. You're not being realistic with yourself, and more importantly, you're not giving the relationship a chance. And finally, the most important part, accept it when the person gives it to you -and appreciate it for all it is worth.

5. And finally, if it is lost, then move on. Sure, it might be easier to stay together, but the truth is, if you're honest with yourself, and if it really is lost, there is hope for you to be with someone else who might have gone through the same thing, and there is the potential that you might be able to be with someone else...

Once again, I'm no expert, and I certainly don't have a degree... and perhaps I'm a hopeless romantic, but - I do believe in love - and I do believe that it should be kept alive, and I believe that if it is really to be lost, then we can seek and find another.

Or at least die in the attempt.