Listen to understand

Listening to understand seems like a relatively simple concept. Listen to a person to understand what they are trying to tell you, and then responding in kind.

The only issue is – it is really really hard to do this.

We live in an ego-centric society. Generally, it is a “me” mentality both consciously and subconsciously. Our entire way of going through life is to satisfy the hunger within, whether through giving, taking, neither or both. It is also reflected in the way we talk to each other.

Have you ever told a story to a friend and have them come back with a story of their own that is similar but not the same? This is commonly referred to as relating. But when did you ever say to the person, “hey – when I tell you this story – I’d really like you to relate to it.” The only request, through implication, is for the listener to, well, listen. We take it upon ourselves to try to relate to what the story teller is saying so that it means more to us—what the person is going through. If we do not have a similar story, it appears that we detach from the story and aren’t as understanding or empathetic. But when we relate, we relate and understand the person’s story as it made us feel in a similar situation. We don’t often ask ourselves to stand in the other person’s shoes and understand how it made them feel.

Understandably so. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not here to judge it. I understand it. I do it. I relate to it. I get it. To truly listen to understand what the person is saying, and appreciate what the situation did to them, made them feel, we have to be compromised with their views, beliefs, experiences and attitudes. We’d have to know this person well enough to really understand the affect the situation had on them. The irony is, the closer the person is to us – the harder it is to listen to understand – especially when the story has any tenuous connection or similarity to a specific issue/problem you might have with this person.

I had a conversation with McSquared earlier. It was a criticism on the messiness of our house. He was trying to tell me how he felt when he walked into the house when it was so messy. Immediately, I became defensive, and argued that if he would only help around the house then maybe it wouldn’t be so dirty and messy, and maybe then he could come home and enjoy it better. I didn’t need to do that. He wasn’t blaming me for the mess. He was simply telling me that it sucked to come home to mess, even though he had a healthy part of creating it. If I just listened to understand, and didn’t own it, it would have been really easy to say, “Yes, I can understand that. It really does suck to come home to a house that is messy.” But rather, I took it upon myself to hear his words, and not understand it, but defend myself to it.

Earlier last week, Luscious and Fujimoto-san (a new addition to my entourage of colleagues) were discussing my inability to say no to another colleague. I knew I needed to learn how to say no – but it was difficult for me to. I tried telling this to Luscious and Fujimoto-san. They were chock full of wonderful girl advice about how to fix it, and what I needed to do in the situation – all good intentioned, all meant to help.

But I was bothered by it the entire day. I only realized later that – all I needed/wanted from Luscious and Fujimoto-san were understanding and sympathetic ears. I didn’t necessarily need advice, because I knew what it was that I needed to do. Getting there was the issue for me. But at the moment I talked to them about my dilemma, I just needed to be heard.

It’s not an inherent flaw with my friends. I adore them, and know they meant well. But – there are two social engineered reactions to a story about a problem. We either offer words of advice on how to fix it, or we relay our own story about a similar situation, how it made us feel, and how we overcame it. Did we ever, however, ask ourselves what exactly the person who was talking wanted from us? Did they want any offer of advice on how to make the situation better? Did they utter those wonderful little words, “what should I do?” which then opens the floodgates for you to offer any kind of advice you can think of that relates, however loosely, to the topic at hand? After all, it is solicited isn’t it? Or did we just take it upon ourselves to do it for whatever reasons – our need to help a friend in what we’ve decided is need, a need to relate, a need to move the story along so that you could then tell a story of your own, a need to pretend you’re listening? Whatever the reason, we tend to do this.

I do it all the time. But after my reaction to McSquared (and a subsequently successful therapy session) I began to really think – maybe I should listen to understand and “detach from outcome.” (A happy little therapy term which means – don’t take the story so personally, and see how it affects the person and reaffirm what you think is their feeling, not your own.)
I don’t know how successful I’ll be at it, but I’m going to try…(As long as someone doesn’t tell a story that is similar to any story I have in my arsenal of awesome stories that I use to relate and/or a story that doesn’t make me feel like I’m being judged or accused of doing wrong…)

As you can see – I got a little bit to go in this….