Guilty as charged..

I am a working mother. So - that in it of itself is preloaded with guilt. There are about 40 hours a week (give or take) that your child is in someone else's care. You only have about 2-3 real hours with your kid each work day, 2-3 hours of which are spent tending to very basic needs, like feeding them (and all the preparation that entails), bathing them, and then putting them to bed-all while trying to get in quality parenting time.

So - the only time you really have with your kid is the weekend. My husband gets up in the morning to get my kid, because I am the one who brings her to daycare and back. So - Saturday and Sundays I get to "sleep in" - which means - usually until 8:00-8:30am.

Today - I got up - was going to do our usual routine on Sundays, but was too busy trying to get everything prepared (meaning clothes) for a trip we are about to take. So - I'm folding, putting things away, and although my kid wants to hang out with me, I ask her father to take her while I do these household chores - in front of the TV, more specifically, in front of an on-demand movie that I started, which is about two hours long.

I justified in my head that I could pause the movie at any moment, and that would be alright, so if I was needed at all- I could simply pause the movie and go when she wanted me to go. But - there I was, barely folding the clothes, barely putting them away... and my baby was downstairs with her dad, not asking for me - but not with me.

Which should be fine. But - I just missed out of two hours with my kid... Just because I wanted to watch this movie, which I could have watched at any point in time because this was freakin ON DEMAND!!

So -of course, the guilt set in. I felt guilty that I wasn't with my kid at every point of the weekend when I have her. It's bad enough that when I bring her home with me on the weekdays, most of that time she spends in front of the TV, as I am (insert some daily chore). True - I usually spend a good hour in the park - so that we have some fun time, but after we get home, it's TV - and I get all the chores done, and get the food prepared, etc...

I feel tremendously guilty about not being completely wrapped up in my kid on the weekends, when it's parent time, and she's with me those 8 hours she might would otherwise be with someone else on the weekeday... She's such a good kid, and she's incredibly happy, but the guilt sets in.

I completely understand why parents go and buy everything the child even looks at. For a moment, I had that pang of "what do I do to make this up to her - she's amazing" guilt in my heart. I thought, "what could I BUY her?"

And then I suppressed that thought. The only thing that I could give her - that was the best thing ever-was my undivided attention for the rest of the day. I didn't buy her anything. I went to the pool with her and we played, and we swam, and she was my number one, and I was hers.

I think - we're human. Juggling between work, household chores (I have someone come and help me every two weeks, but I still do a majority of the day to day upkeep), being a wife, and being a devoted mom, it's hard to forgive yourself when you're not one of those things.

I go out at least once a week to regroup and be me. Which exacerbates my guilt - because I already have "down time." Taking another 2 hours of downtime during my weekend time with her is just downright terrible.

And the shame associated with the guilt is just as terrible. The guilt is there because I didn't spend the time with her, but the subsequent shame it brings - "I'm a bad mother" - is like a terrible ringing in my ears. Not only did I lose the time, but inherent in that is - I chose a TV program over my child, and therefore, I'm a terrible mother.

In the end, I suppose, I'm just saying, we, as mothers, and fathers (although - I am not sure that fathers feel it quite as acutely as mothers do) - we should be able to forgive ourselves from the things we think we are doing wrong when raising our kids (unless you are beating your kid, or otherwise abusing them. In that case, you shouldn't forgive yourself, and no one should forgive you either...) But - if something grabs your attention, and it's not your kid, and you don't spend every waking moment teaching them something, or doting on them, or holding them, or kissing them, it's okay. You're not a bad parent. And by golly, do not start buying these kids stuff to assuage your guilt... because then you really are moving into the area of bad parenting that might require some shame-association.

Just recognize that you're human... Recognize that your child will most likely be alright if you missed them for another 2 hours. Forgive yourself, and don't overly dote on them afterwards.. Kids pick up on that stuff quick... and where nothing was on their radar as being wrong before, all of a sudden, SOMETHING is on their radar, and they will use you right quick in the future to get them whatever they want. It'll create in them the sense of entitlement that we don't want or need in our kids today.

I don't really know how to do this... I struggle with it every day.. I just hope that knowing there are other people that feel this way out there makes it easier to bare the guilt and the shame - without giving into it.